Be Thou my Vision

I used to long for days of peace, days of ease. I used to think that perhaps God would allow us to have seasons of ease in order to balance out the seasons of such gut-wrenching hardships.  Instead, over the last several months, I've begun to recognize what I like to think of as His quiet grace. His quiet grace is always present, in the wonderful celebrations of life and in the times of doubt and defeat.  If my days were spent relishing in the delights of the world, I'd never even understand what grace is.  I've always known that God shows us grace, but when the world falls apart and it's all I have left to stand upon, I can feel this quiet grace radiating in my core. It's the burning strength that keeps me going when I want to lie down and give up. It's personal and it's tangible. It moves my soul to the throne of the only one who can help me.

Over the last year or so, I've truly struggled with hurt feelings towards the Lord. I haven't been angry with Him, but I've felt a little alone, a little rejected.  Without going into any kind of details, suffice it to say that life in the ministry can just be tough.  Life with two little boys at home with me every day can be tough (as all moms know!). Throw in a a myriad of other difficult situations that are personal and all of this after a losing my brother, and I became a mess. I became someone who I didn't even recognize in the depths of my being.  I still did everything that I knew I should do, but I began to withhold my heart from God. For many months, I felt that I would never feel whole again. I thought this tainted version of a life where I fought to get through every day would be my new norm.

I'm not sure what began to turn the tide in my heart, but I am so thankful for a God who pursues me every day with His goodness and mercy (Psalm 23:6). None of the circumstances have changed, but God has reminded me a little bit about what it means to feel wholly content in Him. He has blessed me with an incredible husband, parents, in-laws, friends, and precious boys who love on me day in and day out.

Tonight I received some disappointing news, and I was surprised by how quickly I felt that old chasm open again. So, I must dig in-- cling to Truth-- and stand firm.  I know that the next several weeks are going to be extremely draining emotionally as we celebrate Thanksgiving (the last time I saw my brother alive), his birthday, the anniversary of his death, and then go to trial against the man who murdered him (and still claims he is innocent, I might add).  These situations, these hurts are always going to be there below the surface.  I don't expect to ever not feel them. Yet, I can continue to walk with His quiet grace sustaining me.  I can allow Him to take my eyes off the temporary and place them on the eternal. I can know with all confidence that He loves me in my brokenness and He will be near to me when I feel crushed, but it's not His desire that I should remain there. It's His desire that I walk on and trust more and that when the next major blow comes, I can perhaps remain a little more steady on my feet as He holds my hand and walks me through it.

"Be Thou my vision, oh Lord of my heart. Naught be all else to me save that Thou art. Thou my best thought by day or by night, waking or sleeping Thy presence my light."

Intentional Friendships

Since Jason and I married relatively young in life, there was a time in the beginning of our marriage when we struggled to have friends with whom we could relate well. Most of our friends of similar age were unmarried and while we still enjoyed their friendship, there were many areas in which we could not relate.  During a difficult season in ministry, we both longed to have true friends with whom we could really share our hearts and souls.  We prayed for months, and then years to find “mentors” for ourselves— believers who were older than we were who could share spiritual wisdom and provide genuine fellowship outside of our church.

For me, God answered my prayer through my sweet friend Tina.  Tina was a member of the church where I grew up, and through my teenage years I spent some time with her family (she has a son who is slightly younger than I).  We had essentially lost contact after I got married and moved to Greenville, but God opened the doors for us to meet again at my parents’ 25^th wedding anniversary celebration back in 2007.  We randomly discussed how we were each taking vacation time after Christmas and when they asked us where we were going, we told them we weren’t sure  yet.  They invited us to join them on their adventure to Williamsburg, VA, and then on to the Outer Banks of NC.  Since we had never been to either place, we decided that it sounded like a wonderful idea and joined them for a week and a half vacation.

To make a long story short, that trip began a renewed friendship.  About a month after being at home, I called Tina to ask her to pray about becoming my mentor—simply a woman to speak truth into my life when I need it, pray for me, etc.  She called me a week or so later and told me that she although she didn’t consider herself to be the “mentor” type, she would love the opportunity to be my friend and my encourager, and promised to always speak wisdom into my life.  I had no idea at that time what an absolute treasure her friendship would become to me.

Since 2007, our families have vacationed together once or twice a year, every year. We go on amazing adventures, eat great good, play fun games, and just in general have an amazing time together. Sadly, those vacations are pretty much the only time I see Tina, since we live a couple of hours apart.  However, our phone conversations, the random cards we exchange, and the special occasions when we are able to meet up absolutely refresh my spirit.  Over the last several years, I have learned how rare it is to have a friend with whom you can be completely honest. All the time.  I can always count on her to offer wisdom and even correction when I need it.  She teaches me how to be a better wife, a better mother, and a better daughter. 

Tonight I had the opportunity to have a wonderful conversation with her, and I am just so thankful.  After months and months of sleep deprivation and a recent bout with a sinus infection that won’t give, piled up with several other stressful situations in life, I have been struggling to stay afloat and feel encouraged.  And, as those of you who have young children (or have had young children) know, when kiddos go to bed at 7 or 8 p.m., life can become a little monotonous as you sit at home every night. So, tonight, my hubby took care of the boys for several hours and allowed me some time out to drive, have some alone time, and spend an hour talking to my dear, dear friend.  What a blessing.

Now, most of you who are reading this probably have no desire to know this story about one of my precious friends. I share it, however, to share what I’ve learned about relationships.  Be intentional. Always be intentional.  Don’t wait for friends to seek you out. If you need someone to pour into your life, ask God to show you who that might be.  If you aren’t pouring into someone else’s life on a personal level, ask God to show you who that might be, too! I cannot tell you how much it means to me to have this lady in my life, along with several other faithful friends, and I am so, so thankful for the girls who are a little younger than I am who I am able to love on and encourage, too.  Relationships don’t just happen, and friendships that are full of drama and lacking in edification don’t really accomplish a whole lot.   So that’s it. If you have awesome friends in your life, praise God for them! Be intentional about your time with them. Build them up, encourage them constantly, and don’t forget to ask them how you can pray for them. You never know how much richer your life can be five years from now if you simply examine your friendships and boldly ask God to give you true friends!

Cale

My darling Cale,

            You aren’t old enough to read this yet, but I hope that one day you will stumble upon it and understand just a tiny part of what you mean to me.   Three years ago on this very day, God brought you into this world and into our lives.  Your smile, your beautiful eyes, and your laughter—your precious, precious laughter—have been blessing me every day since.  Your curiosity and adventurous spirit provide us with some interesting moments and days, but I wouldn’t trade them for anything.  You are a treasure. 

            I will never forget looking at the last doctor who told me I would never have children and saying, “Well, I guess if God wants me to have children, I will.”  We were so thankful when we learned that you were on the way.  We chose your name because of God’s goodness to us:  Cale (“one who is manly and strong”) and Jackson (“God is gracious”). It is our prayer that you will grow to be strong in the Lord.  God has shown me such a beautiful, unrelenting grace since He blessed me with you, baby.  There have been so many days in your short three years that I would have wanted to give up the fight, but the Lord reminded me of His goodness through you over and over again.  Though the years have been full of challenges, betrayals, moves (6 to date), and great loss, they have also been full of countless moments of absolute joy. 

            Cale, each night when we bow with you and pray at your bed, it isn’t so that we can feel good about a routine or checking something off the “to-do” list.  It is because we beseech our Father every single day to win your heart, to teach you what it means to be upright and blameless before Him, to take only paths that are firm, and to guard your heart above all else.  He is the wellspring of life.  That you would understand that is single-handedly the matter of greatest importance in our lives.  We love you because He loves us.  We only even understand love because of His great love for us.  Oh, Cale, I cannot wait for the day when you come to know Him personally, too.

            As we watch you grow and learn, we rejoice in who He has created you to be.  From your silly phrases (“You are killing me!” “I love you most!” “What in the world?”) to your made-up songs, you are a joy to watch.  Your bear hugs and your “mama kisses” and “daddy kisses” make our days.  Thank you for being you, sweet boy.  I cannot wait to see what story He has written for your life.     

Love,

Mama

Precious Time

     After taking a 6-month hiatus from writing, I've decided to take a few moments tonight to give credit where credit is due for all that has been happening in our lives.  We are so overwhelmed with God's goodness to us.  As we look back over the last year and the depths of betrayal, pain, and loss that we faced, we are continually thankful for the abundant ways that God has provided for us in every way-- through the deep love of family and friends, financially, and even through bringing us back to the mountains of Hendersonville to a wonderful church whom we already love. I literally drive down the roads here praising Him for the ability to live in such a beautiful place again.
     As I write this, my eyes are literally filled with tears of gratitude to my God.  I haven't had the heart to write for some time now; not because I have not wanted to, but simply because words cannot do justice to the experiences of daily life and the riches that have been poured out upon us.  Not a day passes that I don't think of Ryan and wish for one more conversation, one more hug.  Yet, as I think of him now, my heart is lighter and I am grateful to know that he is whole. Grief is a lasting burden, but I'm beginning to learn how to lay it down. I realize how precious life is and how fleeting it is.  I have learned that many things in life can wait, but pouring out my love into those around me cannot.  My husband, my boys, my parents, my brother and sister-in law, all of my family and Jason's family-- these are people with whom God has blessed me.  I have the unique opportunity to love each of them in a way that only I can.  My call as His child is to love, love, and love some more.  Even when the toys are scattered everywhere and the laundry is piling up.  Even when I am tired and don't feel like playing cars again or cooking a meal or letting the "tickle spider" crawl up Cale's back for the millionth time. These moments are precious. I do not know that I will have the opportunity tomorrow to do what God has given me the opportunity to do now.  So, I strive to be intentional: my attitude, my words, my actions-- they all matter. I want to be a woman of grace: a woman who lives in the constant awareness of God's goodness to me. I am so undeserving.
     Jason has written a blog over the last year with some of the finer details of ways that God has answered prayers in major ways-- how through utter devestation He has brought goodness and light into our lives.  When he publishes it, I'll post a link to it as well. I hope that you'll read it-- regardless of your belief or lack thereof in God. It's our story; a raw look at our personal history and the triumph of the Lord.

Update time: Selling Houses and having babies!

Tonight, I can't help but be overwhelmed by the love I feel for my husband and my two boys.  As I sit here preparing for bed, I just keep thinking about that precious little boy who is sleeping in his bed and how he blew me kiss after kiss as I left his room for bedtime tonight. Regardless of how difficult a day has been or how many temper tantrums we've faced, I just have an overwhelming joy in my heart as I think about what a blessing that boy is.
Children are a blessing from the Lord. There is no doubt about it! I cannot wait to meet Oliver and discover what a precious gift he is, too.
I am so thankful for these boys and for the husband who continually loves and encourages me-- even when I am at my tiredest (and crankiest!) ever.

Just a brief update on the happenings in the Kittrell house:

We're packing and moving! We're closing on our house this coming Thursday (the 26th).  Praise God for selling it within 2 months of being listed! It is so apparent that God is providing for us and taking care of us every step of the way! We're moving to a house out in the country that will allow us to stay close enough for Jason to continue his role as Interim Pastor at New Hope! We'll stay there faithfully (and happily) until God shows us where to head full-time!

Oliver's scheduled arrival is 7:30 a.m. on May 11th! He is growing well and doing perfectly as far as we know. The pregnancy is continually harder, but I know that God will carry me faithfully until the time for Oliver to come, whenever that might be. I won't object if it's a little earlier than the 11th. ;)

Cale is thrilled about becoming a big brother.  He rubbed my belly today and told me that he misses "Ollie." I asked him how he could miss him when he hasn't met him yet, but I think it's just his way of saying he's ready to meet him! I told him that Oliver would come to meet us in a few weeks, and he giggled his sweet giddy laugh that lets us know he's really excited about something! He helped me sort through Oliver's clothes yesterday and remarked, "Ohh, cute!" about an outfit covered in firetrucks and race cars. Haha. The things he comes up with these days simply make me laugh!

So, that's just a brief update on where we are and what's to come! We don't know what tomorrow holds, but we continue to trust!

A quick Update on the Kittrells

For those near and far who continually pray for us, I want to take a few moments to share with you about some of the things going on in the life of the Kittrells!

On the job front, Jason became Interim Pastor at New Hope Baptist Church in Pelion, SC, this past Sunday. We've been with them since January, but it's official now that we'll be there until we move for a full-time position or they find a permanent pastor! We have been incredibly blessed to be part of the friendly congregation there, and Jason has loved preaching twice every Sunday and now on Wednesdays. God has definitely used this time and this opportunity to stretch us in ministry that we had yet to experience. We are so thankful for the loving encouragement of the people at New Hope. They have embraced us with such sweet acceptance, and they love us as their own!

On the house front, we officially put our Lexington home on the market about 3-4 weeks ago. We have had quite a few showings, and we are expectantly looking forward to God answering our prayers for a sell with the right timing to coincide with an official job move. We are so grateful for those who have poured out numerous hours to help us during the process of preparing the house to be "market-ready!"

On the pregnancy front, I have continued to deal with some minor complications.  Baby boy is healthy, though, and still scheduled to arrive on May 11 (C-Section) if he doesn't come earlier! I did find out today that I will be on antibiotics for the remainder of the pregnancy due to an infection that will not relent and could cause danger to the baby without antibiotics preventing it! While the thought of that bothers me, I know that I have to do what is necessary to keep baby healthy! We have still yet to officially decide upon a name, but we'll let everyone know when we do! (Though, please remember with Cale that didn't happen until we were in the OR!)

Cale continues to bless us each day with his precious personality. He is talking constantly and usually amazes us on a daily basis with something random he says. We have been so incredibly blessed by the time that we've had as a family over the last 4 months. Though many may see it as a time of trial and difficulty (and it admittedly has been in numerous ways), we are choosing to be thankful for the time. Quality time is not something that we can re-capture once the opportunity has passed. So we are thankful-- for every moment.

As for my family, we appreciate your ongoing prayers as we muddle through the waters of grief. As those of you know who have lost loved ones, it is simply a long, long journey. While I find the basics of life a little easier now, there are still moments (and days, even) of heavy grief, of wishing that he could simply return to us. This is all a natural part of grieving, and we are thankful for the love and support that so many have shown.  The hard part isn't over, though, especially not for my parents and even my older brother, for whom the loss is indeed realized on a daily basis, over and over again, since they were with him all the time.

We are sincerely grateful for the walls of prayer that have surrounded us over the last 4 months. To say "thank you" doesn't come close to sufficing for how we feel. Our God has sustained us and sustains us still. We are blessed.

In honor of my Hubby

Over the past 7.5 years, I've learned and observed many things about marriage.  Sadly, one of the most obvious observations has been that in our society, it's far more common for spouses to denounce one another, both in private and in public, rather than support and encourage one another.  When Jason and I married in October of 2004, I made a commitment of sorts to myself and to the Lord, to honor my husband with my lips. It is truly the desire of my heart to encourage him and build him up, whether I am speaking to him or about him to someone else.  I'm certainly not perfect at this, but I do strive on a daily basis to continually work to be better! If you're married, you know the value of words and how much they can strengthen or damage your marriage! So, in light of that and the fact that today is Jason's 30th birthday, I'd like to publicly share just a few things that I am so incredibly thankful for about my husband! Feel free to read them or not! This is simply a way for me to honor my best friend, my teammate.

- He loves the Lord above all else.
-His love for me is second only to his love for the Lord.
-He is an admirable, loving, patient, and encouraging father to Cale, and Cale demonstrates how much he understands that by his deep love for "Daddy." 
-He continually supports me and listens to me. If I approach him with something that's heavy upon my heart, he always listens, and always acts to help me in the ways that I request help.
-He is committed to purity. He diverts his eyes whenever we come in contact with a lady who isn't appropriately covered-- whether in person, on a movie, or in an advertisement. He has never used the excuse that it's "just a man thing to look." He honors me with his eyes, and I couldn't be more thankful.
-He constantly reminds me that he thinks I'm beautiful (even with a giant baby belly!).
-He has a deep, constant joy that I don't find in myself or in many others. He constantly sings and whistles. He trusts the Lord during the most difficult times.
-He works to let the Lord teach him more and more about the things he's passionate about-- marriage, fatherhood, ministry, etc. by studying God's Word, reading books by godly men, and by seeking out the counsel of older, godly men.
-His love for others consistently inspires me to love more deeply.
- He doesn't raise his voice to me. We decided before we married that we would always try to communicate calmly and with grace, and I am thankful to say that this has held true for 7.5 years-- even through stressful life situations and difficult trials.  Not only are words important, but so is the tone in which they are shared.  Jason always strives to honor me in this way.  It really is possible to discuss things on which we don't agree without becoming angry and using harsh words or tones.  If we don't feel like it's possible at the moment something angers us, we've learned to wait until we can discuss it calmly.  This prevents us both from saying words that we later regret. Now, there have certainly been times of failure in this area, but we make it our goal to fight for each other, not against each other.
-He leads our family in ways that honor God, even if it's not the easy way (and it usually isn't!)

These are just a few of the things that I treasure the most about you, Babe! There are countless more. I am so blessed to have you as the one with whom to share my life! Happy Birthday! I hope it's a day of miracles for you.

Love,
Wifey

Making Sense of it All

Our days are filled with everything under the sun. A busy 2-year-old. A constant job search. A broken wrist for Jason. Painting & repairing our home in order to list it for sale. Never-ending paperwork and "business" to take care of as we navigate the waters of unemployment and rearranging our lives. A pregnancy that's already resulted in three trips to the hospital with complications. Sickness, infection, and exhaustion. Soul exhaustion.

These things, these events, keep my body busy and my mind distracted.  Yet, the grief of losing my brother still hangs over us like a heavy cloud that doesn't plan on disintegrating anytime soon.  The busyness of our life is, frankly, overwhelming. I spend my days thinking about what everyone around me needs, and I'm getting pretty bad at taking care of myself.

As is common for me, I have a song on my mind. This time it's "Waking Life" by Schuyler Fisk. It's a song that I randomly stumbled upon, having never heard of the artist before. The chorus reads as follows:"I'm not lost, just looking for footprints. I'm taking it one step at a time, and I'm getting by. But by the way, it's you on my mind. It's you on my mind."

Sometimes, I feel as if I'm on the brink of being lost, but my Savior keeps me hanging on. I have to take it all a step at a time; I can't handle anything more. I can't help but look for those footprints, though: evidence that I'm still walking, still breathing. And my footprints are not alone. I remember walking on the beach with Jason and Cale in December, only two weeks after losing my brother. I remember looking at our footprints in the sand and just taking in the three different sets: the footprints that are walking the same journey as I am. At the thought of those footprints, I am entrenched with thankfulness of my husband and our precious son. Sadly, in the same breath, I am reminded so quickly that they could be taken so suddenly, and I can't do anything to protect them. The fears plague my dreams; the weight of the reality of my forever-altered family tortures my days.

Try as I may, there is no making sense of this. The road we walk in faith is more littered with obstacles than ever before as we seek to understand with our human emotions the whys of life. So, I am left with a choice. I can turn and walk away and choose to muddle through the pain and tears alone, or I can cling to the One who has promised that it makes sense to Him. I can give the enemy the satisfaction of watching me walk in fear, or I can crawl and struggle, but lean into the One who will one day take all of my fears away. I've given up on pretending to be happy, but I can honestly say that God still protects the joy that deeply resides in my heart. Sure, it's a little buried right now, but it's still there. He is my joy, and He cannot be taken away. He's the only one, but I have that promise.

And so, we take it a day at a time, and we're getting by. But, Ryan, you're still on my mind. I'm still heartbroken that I couldn't tell you "I love you" one more time. I don't think that's going to change until I see you again, but see you again I will. Until then, baby brother, we know you're in Perfect hands, and for that we are thankful.

Grief

On December 10th, I woke up to a phone call that changed my world.  When I realized that my dad had been trying to call since 4:30 in the morning, I knew immediately that something was wrong, but I never imagined the magnitude of what he had to tell me that day. When he told me that my younger brother Ryan (age 24) had been killed in a car accident, I didn't fully understand what he was saying. I remember asking, "My brother, Ryan?" thinking surely I was mistaken. I remember asking to speak to my mom, but my brain seemed to kind of shut down. I started to hyperventilate, and I remember telling her I needed to go wake Jason up, that I needed to go breathe. Breathe. By the time I made it to Jason, I don't even know what I said. I know that he jumped up to hold me, and I know that I would have hit the floor had he not been there. The rest of the morning was a blur of trying to pack and get to the Upstate, and my brain simply seemed to be frozen. I couldn't remember what day of the week it was or what I needed to pack for the trip. It was as if everything inside of me just stopped, though I knew I had to keep moving, keep breathing.

Two weeks have passed since that early Saturday morning. I can't even begin to recount the number of times I've had to repeat to myself "Just breathe," over those two weeks.  There are moments when I'm busy with Cale or watching a show or movie when I fall numb again, but the moments of numbness are becoming increasingly rare.  The moments of the reality of the loss are becoming increasingly frequent.  The shock is beginning to fade, and I'm left with the hole that seems completely overwhelming. A permanent hole in my family. A brother who adored my son, and my son will never even remember him. My 2nd child will never even meet him. A brother who still called me "Sissy." A brother who, from all human standpoints, should be here with us celebrating Christmas this year.

I'm learning a lot about grieving-- the process that takes much longer than any of us would like to believe.  I'm learning that although my faith in the Lord has not been shaken (indeed, I have known His grace more fully than ever before over the last two weeks), it's still okay to cry. It's still okay to be broken. It's still okay to feel as though I might just fall apart. God's big enough to handle all of our brokenness combined. It's fully permissible to admit that none of this feels "okay" right now. Nothing about having a drunk driver (who, for the record, already had 2 DUIs this year) murder your baby brother is okay. It simply isn't.

And yet. There is a yet. I know, that with time, God will heal these wounds. I know that we won't ever feel like our family is whole again; I'm not that naive.  I know that it's quite possible that next December 10th will be just as hard as this past one was. But I know that it's not hard for Ryan. He's no longer bound by time, no longer chained by human pain, sadness, or weakness of any type.  Instead, he's kind of the lucky one among us, the one who will celebrate Christmas at Home this year. That's the only joy that keeps us going, that keeps us moving through each day-- even the days that pass so very slowly.

I'm falling apart.
I'm barely breathing.
With a broken heart
that's still beating.
In the pain,
there is healing.
In Your name,
I find meaning.

That's an excerpt from a Lifehouse song called "Broken." It seems to play on repeat in my mind these days. I'm pretty good at being tough on the outside, but the inside is pretty broken right now. I'm not afraid to admit that. I'm holding on, but sometimes my grip isn't all that great. The good news is that my Father's grip is unrelenting.  He hasn't let us go.

I write all of this tonight, not to sadden anyone on Christmas Eve, but to simply share that even in the midst of deep, deep pain, there is Hope. We have hope because of what we celebrate each Christmas-- the birth of the One who gives us peace, who redeems our sin, who promises us a future. I have to be honest-- I wouldn't have chosen the way the last couple of months have panned out. I wouldn't have chosen for Jason to lose his job, to have a seriously difficult and complicated pregnancy, and to lose my brother. But, I do choose to continue to follow the Lord who knew every detail of all of this ahead of time and still allowed us to endure it. I know that His love is fierce; I know that I can trust Him to give us brighter days.

"I'm holding on another day, just to see what You will throw my way. I'm holding on to what You said. You said that I will be okay."

The Love of God

Just wanted to post the lyrics to a song that's been incredibly encouraging to me over the last few days. God has undoubtedly shown me the reality of His love in a more tangible way during the hardest times of my life. This song, written by a man who wasn't unfamiliar with suffering, expresses that well.

About six months ago, my mentor challenged me about my thoughts on the goodness of God.  At the time, I was struggling through a specific battle, and though I knew in my head that God is good regardless of circumstances, when I really confronted my heart, I realized that even though I believed in God's complete goodness, I sometimes wondered if "goodness" to us as individuals may be sacrificed for the greater good.  In other words, I wondered if what was happening to me was really for my best.

To be perfectly honest, it took me several months of serious self-evaulation and meditating on Scripture to know beyond all doubt that I was to the point of confidence in God's goodness.

And so, with no doubt, I can write today that my God is completely and wholly good, in times of abundance and in times of want.  We are so thankful for the outpouring of love and encouragement for our family over the last couple of weeks, and we are continually trusting God to direct our steps! Here's the song:
 "The Love of God"-- Rich Mullins

There's a wideness in God's mercy
I cannot find in my own
And He keeps His fire burning
To melt this heart of stone
Keeps me aching with a yearning
Keeps me glad to have been caught
In the reckless raging fury
That they call the love of God

Now I've seen no band of angels
But I've heard the soldiers' songs
Love hangs over them like a banner
Love within them leads them on
To the battle on the journey
And it's never gonna stop
Ever widening their mercies
And the fury of His love

Oh the love of God
Lyrics www.allthelyrics.com/lyrics/rich_mullins/
And oh the love of God
The love of God

Joy and sorrow are this ocean
And in their every ebb and flow
Now the Lord a door has opened
That all Hell could never close
Here I'm tested and made worthy
Tossed about but lifted up
In the reckless raging fury
That they call the love of God

Walking Away

  In recent months, I've been sad to hear stories of and speak to some friends who have chosen to walk away from their faith for various reasons.  Some were "enlightened" by others who they deem intellectually superior and thus decided that they must have been naive to believe in this so called faith in Jesus.  Others, simply walked away due to life circumstances that didn't add up to support a theory of believing in a "good God who wouldn't do this or allow this if He loved me." Still others walked away after watching others who claim to be believers live lives that so blatantly do not attest to walking with a Savior.
  Regardless of the reasons for which these individuals have chosen to walk away from their faith, my heart breaks over the victory that has been handed to the prince of light. It may be hard to believe, but there are actually intellectual Christians out there who know why we believe what we believe, who can defend the Truth tooth and nail over the lies that society feeds us.  There are some of us who, though we continually mess up, cling to forgivness and grace and long to live like Christ, ever-changing, ever-loving more. There are some of us who don't want to argue over facts but who would LOVE to sit down and have a loving, patient conversation with someone struggling about why we have NO doubt that our faith is grounded in the one and only Truth that exists to guide our world.
  When I was in college, I became passionate about learning why I believe what I believe.  I do not believe what I believe because someone told me to do it. I don't do it to make myself feel better or to improve my view of the world.  In fact, how could comparing myself with a holy God possibly make me feel good? When I see my own sinfulness in comparison with His holiness, I certainly don't feel good about it. I feel humbled. I feel loved. I know with certainty that I don't deserve His grace.  My faith is not a made-up paradigm of thought which I choose to operate from because of how it makes me feel. My faith is an active pursuit of the God of the universe because I have studied the facts. I have examined the evidence. I know that science supports Creation, not evolution. I know that evolution is in fact a scientic impossibility.  I also know that in the darkest of struggles and the deepest of hurts, my God is there. I have not created a sentimental, gushy God who rushes to my every whim or with whom I can be angry every time something doesn't go my way.  I long to understand more and more every day about who God really is.  I long to study Scripture for what it really says, to understand the Hebrew and the Greek, to not take verses out of context to make them fit my personal agenda.  I know that beyond any doubt, the Bible is the most well-documented book in all of history.  I know that is has stood the test of time, that we have more original manuscripts of Scripture than we do for some of the very history books that everyone accepts as "fact" in our education system. 
  I write all of this to encourage believers and non-believers alike: study the facts of why you believe what you believe.  It takes a lot more faith to believe in an evolutionary process that randomly put us on this earth than it takes to understand the Creator who lovingly made us and desires to know us.  I will never cram my faith down someone's throat, but I will pray that your eyes will be open to truth.  I will continually pray that God will give believers the desire to study apologetics, to choose to not be ignorant to the facts of our faith.  In the same way, I'll pray for non-believers to not be ignorant to the same facts and to not get lost in fruitless arguments about why they believe Scripture is contradictory (it isn't, by the way. When you've studied the Greek and Hebrew, you'll understand that) or about how a good God could never do whatever it is they've struggled with. God is holy. He is set apart from us. Hell doesn't exist because God is mean; hell exists because our sinfulness cannot exist in the presence of His holiness. That's why He offers us forgiveness through the grace of His Son, Jesus. 
  My heart breaks over those walking away.  I know that life isn't pretty, and I know that sometimes it's easy to feel forgotten. But I also know that God can handle my questions, and He can handle my fears. When I examine everything around me, there's no way that I could ever doubt my faith in Him. He's the only reason my heart continues to beat.
  If you read this and have any questions as to what evidence I have for my faith, please ask me and I'll be more than happy to share. :)

Heart Abandoned

A line in a favorite worship song of mine says, "And I'll stand with arms high and heart abandoned in awe of the One who gave it all." This week, God has been showing me a little bit about what it means to live with my heart abandoned to Him. Do I really trust Him to the extent that I fully surrender my heart-- all of my feelings, emotions, and fears--to His hands to hold? When circumstances tempt me to doubt His goodness, even His faithfulness, I find that if I only abandon my heart to Him, I can leave those fears and doubts behind. Abandonment. Easy to sing, but very hard to live.

Mother's Day

As I approach my second Mother's Day of being a mom, I find myself frequently contemplating the myriad of things that being a mom has taught me. Here are just a few of the simple ones that have really changed my perspective on life.

*Unconditional love looks a lot different than I previously thought. If I offer my son hugs, kisses, grace, and patience on a daily basis simply because I love him so dearly, that love should overflow to the other people in my life as well. God loves me with that love, and He commands that I love others with it, too. This has serious implications for my life as a believer, as a wife, as a daughter, as a friend, etc. I love Cale simply because he is Cale; how convicting that I don't do the same for others.

*Sometimes, I just have to get through one day at a time. God gives me the grace to do that. I cannot worry about what tomorrow will bring and whether it will be easier or harder than today.

* I need to enjoy the moments of every day- make the most of every opportunity.  This doesn't only apply to motherhood, but all the other areas of life as well. Why get mad at someone in a store or restaurant? Why stay frustrated with my husband over something stupid? Life is absolutely full of opportunities to demonstrate that God is bigger than the small things that go wrong throughout the day.

*To quote a line from one of my favorite songs, "In the pain, there is healing. In Your Name, there is meaning." This one is HUGE. Being pregnant was miserable for me-- not to mention the C-Section, 4 day hospital stay, and subsequent infection that kept me in pain for weeks. And then of course, the nights without more than 2 hours of consecutive sleep until Cale was six months old. And the heart surgery that was necessitated by the pregnancy. Yet, none of those things matter to me anymore. That precious little boy who's sleeping in his crib right now, has been a tool to heal so many deep wounds that felt as if they'd be permanent in our hearts. As I've alluded to in previous blogs, there have been some dark days for us in the last several years. Cale has been an incredible reminder that our God is a penetrating Light. ("You, oh Lord, keep my lamp burning. My God turns my darkness into light."- Psalm 18:28).


*Cale doesn't actually belong to us. He belongs to the Lord. He has since before he was created, and our parenting must reflect that. Every decision we make should be based in God's Word, sought out in prayer, and communicated in love.

*It's ironic that when Cale whines to me over and over and over, clinging to my legs, crying "Mama" repeatedly, I get a little frazzled and impatient. It's ironic because I'm sure my Heavenly Father would be delighted if I clung to Him more closely and cried out for His help more frequently.

*Laughter and flexibility go a long way, and I didn't know half of what I thought I knew about being Mommy. :)

Made Whole

  Today, Jason and I were blessed to spend the afternoon at Riverbanks Zoo here in Columbia with Cale.  We bought a season pass last month, so we're making the most of it and going as often as possible! Since Cale has been a couple of times in the last month, instead of looking at animals today, he mostly wanted to run everywhere-- really fast-- not at all concerned with who or what was around him. We spent the afternoon chasing him around the zoo, laughing at his priceless giggle, and just enjoying being a family.  He did pause long enough to laugh at the gorilla eating plants, to wrinkle up his nose and make ugly faces at the stinky elephants, and to study a crowned crane very seriously for a minute or two. Cale brings us so much joy; he's definitely living proof of God's graciousness to us (hence his middle name Jackson, meaning "God is gracious").
  The last week has been full of interesting moments: the ones that cause me to really stop and ponder the deeper things of life, the ones that make me so keenly aware of God's hand at work.  These moments have mostly been unpleasant ones, and yet they have not been void of God's grace.  Tonight, as I drove home from running an errand, it occurred to me just how differently I view life today than I did a year ago.  Without going into any extravagant details, it suffices to say that a year ago, I was pretty devastated over several of our life circumstances.  Jason and I were disheartened about some things that had been part of our journey, and while he was handling things quite well emotionally given those circumstances, I was falling apart. I was on the verge of a complete break down, and I had no idea how to find the way out.  I cried out to God daily, but I was so completely entrenched in darkness that I just couldn't find my foothold. I remember crying all of the time and telling Jason that I didn't know if I could ever be "whole" again.  My faith in God hadn't changed, but I was so deeply wounded that I just couldn't imagine what healing would feel like. 
  Now, most of you who know me know that I'm quite independent and don't really enjoy listening to advice.  Thankfully, Jason (as those of you who know him know) is even more stubborn than I am! Ha. God used Jason's insistence to push me into counseling with an awesome biblical counselor who began to help me find my footing again.  I didn't meet with her for too long, but it was the beginning of the healing process.
  To shorten a long story, tonight I realized that I am definitely whole again. I am wholly Lauren, daughter of God, wife of Jason, mommy of Cale.  The most amazing part of the journey over the last year is that NONE of our circumstances have changed! All of the things that I thought I needed to happen in order for me to be okay again-- none of them have happened. Yet, God has diligently worked on me, day after day.  He has patiently loved on me and taught me what it really means to follow! I don't feel the need to figure out "who I am" anymore; I don't have the desire to know what His long-term plan for my life is. I'm simply content. I'm delighting in his love, I'm delighting in my husband, and in my little boy. 
  Honestly, I couldn't have imagined being so content.  He's completely changed everything-- all without changing a thing.  So, I can rest in the peace of knowing that He is continually sovereign and loving, and I can without any doubt know that I BELIEVE that circumstances do not dictate who my God is. Whew. Took me a while to get here.. and I know that next week, even tomorrow, may bring circumstances that again challenge me and set me back, but I know that He will keep loving me and keep pursuing me with whispers of beckoning.

Identity

 For the majority of my life, I've held onto the belief that finding my identity was important.  Throughout the years of growth, I found my identity in various things: excelling in school, making good "moral" choices, even being a believer in Christ. I found my identity in my home, my family, my job, my role in the church, and even in using my gifts. 
On the surface, there doesn't appear to be anything wrong with finding one's identity, as long as you ultimately learn to find it in the right place, right? We're taught from an early age that since God created us uniquely as individuals, we should strive to figure out all of those details about ourselves in order to use them for His glory.  Sadly, what I've found is that it's so easy to figure those things out about ourselves and then assume that those things are actually for our own glory. I don't even mean in blatant ways; I can honestly say that most of the time I "feel" like I'm using God's gifts for His glory and kingdom. The reality, however, is that when one of those things is taken from me, I find out who I was really worried about: me.
I could list several examples of how this has happened at different times in my life, but the latest has been so real that I can't pass up the opportunity to be transparent and share it. Being transparent doesn't come easily for me, so bear with me.
I've been incredibly blessed to serve in ministry positions since the age of 16. I graduated from high school at 16 and immediately took a job with the South Carolina Baptist Convention as a summer missionary. I began college at North Greenville University that fall and worked in the Campus Ministry office-- just as a work study assistant for the year. Then, I joined Concord Baptist in Anderson, SC that summer as a Youth and Children's intern.  I stayed on through the fall while they hired a new youth minister, and I joined them again the next summer as an intern again. By the time I finished my degree at NGU, Jason and I were married and serving together in a church in Greenville, SC. 
While the "ministry position" was no longer mine by title after Jason and I got married, I still served by his side. I attended every event, helped him in planning, spent time with girls at our house, hosted events, attended women's Bible studies, etc.  My life was absolutely full of ministry.  We moved to Tryon, NC and began serving in a church in Hendersonville, NC a couple of years later.  During our time there, I taught at the church's school and continued to passionately serve by Jason's side.  I absolutely LOVED doing ministry- not because it's easy or even fun all the time, but because it's such a blessing to see God's hands at work every single day, in spite of the numerous difficulties.
In October of 2009, God moved us to Lexington, SC to serve at Lake Murray. Jason's first Sunday was actually November 1st, and we jumped right in! I tried to spend time getting to know students and adults, but I was 8 months pregnant, and socializing wasn't the easiest thing in the world.  I went into pre-term labor 3 times before actually having Cale on December 1st of that year.  My social life and my extra involvement in the church and "ministry" pretty much ceased to exist as I adjusted to motherhood.

Now, nearly 16 months later, I'm finding my way back into "ministry." Cale's a little older now, and it's easier to spend time teaching Bible studies, attending Bible studies, and just being involved in activities in general.  These 16 months have been a tremendous struggle for me, though, and for all of the wrong reasons.  God has really shown me just how much I care about people's perception of me.  By coming into a new church and having a baby 4 weeks later, most of the people there didn't get to know me at all.  It's easy for me to be "the youth minister's wife who nobody ever sees."  Between my own sickness and Cale's numerous ear infections over the last year, there have been times that a few weeks could go by without me being able to attend church.  While I was still worshipping in my day to day life, downloading our pastor's sermons and others online, and spending time in God's Word, I became really discouraged because I worried about what people thought about me for not being at church.

As I find my way back into an easier schedule, God continually reminds me that I need to check my motives and my heart.  Am I worried about what people think? Sometimes, I still am. Yet, God is showing me that in the things that matter for eternity, it's not what any other person thinks or feels about me.  It's about completely losing myself for the sake of His kingdom.  For so long, I found my identity in doing ministry.  I've known since the age of 15 that it is my calling, but that doesn't make it my identity.  I've come to believe that as we mature in Christ, He takes us from the point of feeling insecure and having low self-esteem, to the point of having confidence in who He created us to be, to the point of finally grasping the fact that it doesn't even matter "who I am." It's all about Him! When I finally get to the point that every breath and every decision is about what He wants for me and not about what I want for me, then maybe I'll quit trying to find my identity in the things of the world-- or even the things that appear to be of Him and are actually still all about how they make me feel.

I want to be only who He wants me to be. I'm not there; I'm so far from it. But that's who I want to be. I want to love and serve and pour myself out, and not even stop to think about the fact that I'm doing it. He is so worthy of that.

"On Fire"

They tell you where you need to go
They tell you when you'll need to leave
They tell you what you need to know
They tell you who you need to be

But everything inside you knows
There's more than what you've heard
There's so much more than empty conversations
Filled with empty words

And you're on fire
When He's near you
You're on fire
When He speaks
You're on fire
Burning at these mysteries

Give me one more time around
Give me one more chance to see
Give me everything You are
Give me one more chance to be... (near You)

Cause everything inside me looks like
Everything I hate
You are the hope I have for change
You are the only chance I'll take

When I'm on fire
When You're near me
I'm on fire
When You speak
And I'm on fire
Burning at these mysteries
These mysteries...

I'm standing on the edge of me [x3]
I'm standing on the edge of everything I've never been before.
And I've been standing on the edge of me
Standing on the edge

And I'm on fire
When You're near me
I'm on fire
When You speak
(Yea) I'm on fire
Burning at these mysteries... these mysteries... these mysteries
Ah you're the mystery
You're the mystery.

Flying Time

    Throughout the last couple of months, I've spent moments on a daily basis simply sitting in awe of how quickly time is passing.  Cale amazes me each day with his ability to walk, climb, talk, and discover the world around him.  He continually teaches himself how to do new things; some of those things are beneficial, and some of them are dangerous. I feel as though I spend my days constantly watching him to protect him from danger, but also trying to allow him the space to explore and grow and learn for himself.
  As many have said before me, I certainly have a greater understanding of my Father's love due to this little blessing of a wild man who walks (and bounds!) around our home each day. It's not just love of which I have a deeper understanding, however. Everything in life is different now. I don't mean the fact that our social life has drastically changed or that taking a long drive is no longer as appealing or any of the other myriad of ways that our physical life has changed.  God has simply literally changed my perspective on who He created us to be.
  Every moment of our lives is planned with purpose.  And guess what? That purpose is not all about us! I love the book of Jeremiah, and I often find myself identifying with his story and with his struggles. Yet, I am often frustrated by the misuse of Jeremiah 29:11.  To understand Scripture, we must always (ALWAYS) read it in context. Throughout the book of Jeremiah, we see the familiar story of the Israelites and their disobedience to the Lord. God longs for them to turn back to Him, but year after year and generation after generation, they refuse. So, through Jeremiah, God communicates to them some of the disasters that are coming.  He uses those disasters to turn their hearts back to Him.
  Chapter 29 describes how God will bring them back from captivity because HE knows the plans He has for them, and those plans are for good! Yet, He still allowed them to be taken captive! We cannot miss that critical point. God allows us to suffer, to hurt, to be challenged so that we can understand His great love for us and His desire to see us grow.
  Sure, the following message wouldn't be as appealing (on say, a graduation frame): " 'I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you.' But I'll still let you be taken captive first so that you'll understand who I really am and who I really desire for you to be!" Can you imagine receiving that on a coffee mug? It's not such a pleasant notion, and yet it is absolutely truth. Does that make God mean? Absolutely not.  It's simply a more complete picture of His love for us. He gives us freedom to make our own choices, to explore, to learn our way in the world. Yet, He is continually there offering guidance, wisdom, and protection. He's continually offering us the choice to lay down our desires and follow Him.

  The cool thing about Cale is that he's still young enough to want to be with Mommy. If I walk into the next room and say, "Cale! Follow me!" he excitedly follows me wherever I go.  That's not always going to be the case, I know, but I do pray that as he grows we will be able to instill in him the desire to follow the One who's really worth following. We read Scripture with Cale every night, and God uses that precious little boy to remind me that yes, this is all with purpose.  The days aren't always easy or fun, but every moment counts for eternity.  I can't let these moments slip by without making sure that I am being sensitive and obedient to the One who created them.  I can't manipulate Scripture to make it all about me, and I can't be deceived by the world's ideals of comfort and mediocrity. God has abundantly more for me than comfort or mediocrity. He's offering Life. Not just breath in the morning and the ability to climb out of bed, but actual Life; He sustains me, He fills me with joy, He satisfies my every need.  And so, as the days continue to fly by, I pray that I'll live in such a way that the moments really do matter- not for my glory or the furtherance of my materialism, but for His glory and the furtherance of His kingdom.

   Blessed. We are so blessed.

A different perspective for Christmas

  This year, more than ever, God has directly and specifically challenged my heart on the  issue of Christmas.  I recently blogged about "waiting," and my passion for understanding this great challenge from God has only increased. 
  I was privileged to speak to a group of ladies at a Christmas dinner & cookie swap earlier this week.  The message that I was burdened to share was about the "400 silent years" that existed between the close of the book of Malachi and the opening of the New Testament.  While we have no record of prophesies or God speaking to man in any form during those years in history, we do know that He was at work. 
  Through my study of history, I was amazed at just how many prophesies were fulfilled during those 400 years of tumultuous history.  Kingdoms were overthrown repeatedly, the title of "World Power" changed hands several times, and the Israelites were constantly in submission to authorities of other nations.  The book of Daniel from the Old Testament is full of prophesies that were fulfilled to the smallest of detail during those years, and many of Israelites had surely almost lost hope.
  In spite of the battles, persecution, and struggle through the years of silence, however, some great things happened as well.  The Old Testament was translated from Hebrew to Greek for the first time.  As Rome became the center of the "world" at that time, Greek became the national language.  Thus, more people than ever had access to God's word. (70 scholars worked on this translation in Egypt; we know it today as the Septuagint).
  Rome also put roads in places where they had never been, allowing trade to spread.  People became more connected than they had ever been through the use of the Roman roads-- roads which were later critical for missionary journeys such as those of Paul and his companions. 
   During this time, the Maccabaeus family rose and was able to restore the temple in Jerusalem, which had been pillaged and destroyed by Antiochus Ephiphanes 2300 days earlier (one specific example of a prophesy from Daniel), and the Jewish people once again had a place to worship. 
  As Greek culture spread, the Hellenist (Jews who loved Greek culture) and the group who opposed them, separated themselves and became known as the Pharisees and the Sadducees. 
  Through all of these events and numerous others, God was setting the stage for the PERFECT time for the long-awaited Messiah! The Israelites had lived under the law for over 2,000 years. They had been captured, pillaged, and ruled by numerous peoples. When I even think about the weight of the burden they must have felt, I'm overwhelmed.  To think of the longing in their hearts for a Savior makes me sick at my own complacently and complaining over trivial issues.  They had no freedoms to live or woship as they chose, and yet we know that some of them still held on for the One who could save them. 
  Luke communicates the story so articulately.  When the angel Gabriel came to Mary, he told her that she had found favor in God's eyes.  Wow. That means that even though her people had lived generation after generation without the voice of God, she still believed.  She still worshipped.  She was still faithful.  (Yet, sometimes I begin to waver after only waiting for a few months for something...)
  As we know, the promised Messiah came.  It happened just as God had said that it would.  The wait was over, and the world was presented with our Savior.  A Savior that you and I never even had to wait for.  He's been freely and graciously given to us-- and yet we hesitate to give him Lordship in our lives.
  These thoughts have led me to see Christmas completely differently this year.  I realize that Jesus was not born on December 25th, and we don't actually plan on teaching Cale that this is Jesus' birthday (we'll celebrate it each year closer to the day that we believe historically could have been His birth).  What we do plan on doing each Christmas, however, is teaching Cale and sharing with those around us that Christmas is about a fulfillment of the promises of God and the offer of Salvation to the world.  For us, that means that this year, we focused more heavily on the needs of those "in need" than the wants of ourselves or even our family members.  It means that instead of spending money on Christmas cards with sweet pictures of Cale, we designated that money to a family who couldn't do Christmas without help.  More than that, though, it simply means that this year, as December flies by, we focus our hearts and thoughts on the One who came to die.  We rejoice in His provision; we saturate ourselves with His truth. 
  My hope and prayer is that Cale will grow up understanding that we celebrate this truth all year long.  We live by it.  It is the very life that pumps through our veins.  Nothing in this world holds meaning without it. 

** I realize that my succint summation of those 400 years of history leaves out many details. I didn't want to write a post that would take hours to read. If anyone has any questions about those years, however, or what prophecies were fulfilled during that time, I would LOVE to give you a more detailed message privately. :)  

Waiting

Wait.

  To even hear the word makes me cringe somewhat. I'm uncomfortable with waiting, as I'm sure many of you are, as well. As is true to God's nature, however, and His desire to see us constantly learn to be more dependent upon Him, I nearly always find myself waiting for something in life. The things that I'm waiting for today will most likely not be the same as whatever it is that I'm waiting for five years from now, but the emotion behind the waiting is what really matters. The fact is, when God challenges my heart in a certain area and causes me to wait for something that I so desperately long for, I often struggle with honoring Him in the waiting.  I frequently seek to justify my impatience by telling God over and over again that what I'm longing for is something that I NEED. Something that will be for His glory. Something that will help us be a better testimony of His goodness.
  I wonder if God laughs at these thoughts of mine. Seriously, who am I trying to convince? The God of the universe who loves me deeply enough to make me wait has declared that these things will serve a purpose. Romans 8 gives us a perfect summation: "The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it , in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God. We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will" (verses 19-27).
  Wow. God intentionally subjects us to frustration. That could be a little hard to swallow if our focus is on our comfort, our self-centered lifestyles, or our "American dream." The part that follows blows me away, though! He does this so that we will be "liberated from our bondage to decay." We are in bondage to decay. We cannot be deceived about that! Without the Lord and His intentions for our life, we're nothing but bound by a slavery to sin that we can barely fathom. By His unmeasurable love, He chooses for us to suffer so that we understand what true Freedom is. Freedom is not something American. Freedom is found in Christ alone! (To be free to worship is a blessing; don't misunderstand me. Yet, day by day those freedoms are taken from us. We cannot be surprised by a government who chooses to take away our personal freedom when they fail to understand what true freedom is.)
  The point of my rambling is this: I don't know what it is that you're waiting on tonight. It may be something small or trivial, but important to you, or it may be absolutely life-altering, as is the case with what I find myself waiting upon now. I will never be able to change the fact that I will always feel that I'm waiting on something. But, I can change my response to where God has me right now. Today. Not looking or begging for change, but trusting my God to fulfill what He has promised. Just as our pastor pointed out in today's message, Luke 1: 45 declares that Mary was blessed because she believed that God would fulfill His promise. After 400 years of silence, God spoke and declared that He was giving His Son to the world. 400 years of silence. Can you even imagine a world where God was silent for 400 years? I can't. I shudder to even think about Him remaining silent for a week.
  He calls us to wait. He promises that when we do, we'll understand freedom. It's not an easy task, and it's one that I battle every day, but I'm trusting that God will deliver. Abram waited for a son. The Israelites waited to enter the promised land. Job waited for God to move. The world waited for a Savior. In every case, God delivered. He'll deliver you and me, too.

Sometimes, God speaks when I'm driving...

  Last night, I went out to grab dinner and bring it home for Jason, Cale, and me. When I left, the weather was nice and I was simply on a mission to get dinner and get back home so that we could eat and begin the bath and bedtime routine with Cale for the night. My mind was racing with thoughts of what I had and had not accomplished that day, what I still needed to accomplish before bed, and what the coming weekend entailed. I'm ashamed to say that I was in no way striving to listen to God or hear His voice . I wasn't thinking about what I had been studying in my Bible or how to bring God glory through my day. No- I was much too occupied thinking about those things that affect me. Just me.
  As I drove home, however, God simply grabbed my attention. I love it when He does that! I had turned the radio on but wasn't really listening to anything until an announcer came on to notify listeners of the severe thunderstorm warning for our county. As he did so, I looked in the direction of our house and noticed a few stray streaks of lightning. Suddenly, the sky fell open and the rain fell so heavily upon my windshield that I could barely see in front of my 4Runner. Normally, during times of intense rain such as that, I sit up straighter, squint to try to see the road, and just in general become a little stressed about the road not being visible. (I think this has something to do with our accident four years ago. Strange how one accident can permanently alter your view of safety in an automobile).
  Last night, though, as the rain began to fall, I didn't feel any of the normal stress arise. Instead, I felt an overwhelming peace.  The station's music resumed, and a song called "You Can Have Me" began to play. I've heard this song numerous times, and to be honest, my general distaste for "Christian pop" frequently keeps me from enjoying songs or gathering any real truth from them. (That's a note for another day, but I HATE shallow music that conveys certain thoughts to be truth that couldn't be further from the Truth.) For some reason, though, as the song began to play, I actually began to listen to the lyrics.
  The song begins with "If I saw You on the street and You said 'Come and follow me' but I had to give up everything-- all I once held dear and all of my dreams-- would I love You enough or would my love run dry when You asked for my life?" I immediately began to think back to that night when I was 15 years-old, sitting in the sanctuary of a strange church listening to Adrian Despres preach a message about a blank contract with God. Those who know me well have probably heard me share my testimony about that night and what it began in my life. For those who haven't heard the story, the succint version is that Adrian spoke of an imaginary contract that exists between God and ourselves. Our natural inclination is to desire to fill out the contract with all of the things that we long for in life and expect God to sign it, agreeing to give us all of the things for which we ask. A more accurate picture of what God desires, however, is for US to sign the contract-- a blank one, in fact-- and allow Him to fill in those blanks as He desires. That means giving complete control to Him for all of life's circumstances.
  As a 15 year-old, I clearly heard God speak and ask me to surrender my life choices to Him.  At the time, I didn't know what that may or may not inclue, but I knew that I could trust Him. Along the way, however, I've become a little distracted, and I freely admit to wanting things for my life that God hasn't chosen.  If I had the choice, I would have also left some things out that He chose to include. Sadly, I frequently find myself lamenting over some of the details that He has chosen for me-- perhaps not outwardly, but very much inwardly. 
  The last year has stretched me beyond my imagination.  I've struggled with the myriads of adjustments I've had to make as we both resigned our jobs in NC and prepared to move to SC.  As Jason began a new job, I had to get accustomed to staying at home (a wonderful blessing, but a challenge to get used to after working!), and find new doctors for my array of medical needs. The most pressing at the time was the fact that I was 8 months pregnant and needed to immediately find a new OB.  Since my pregnancy was considered to be high-risk, it complicated the process a bit. At the time, we had moved in with Jason's parents due to our home in NC still being on the market (as it still is). So, I dealt with a lot of change in a little amount of time. I struggled greatly with missing friends and not having the opportunities to build new friendships as I adjusted to motherhood. I grieved the loss of having our own home and especially not having a "nursery" for Cale.  Add to the plate a diagnosis of another autoimmune disease and the realization that I needed to have heart surgery, and I was left reeling.  I really wanted to ask God what He was thinking. I really began to doubt my decision to say, "It's all up to You. Whatever You want for me, I freely accept."
  All of that to say, even though I certainly haven't turned my back on God, if I'm honest with myself, I have to understand that I have doubted that He always does what's best.  I know in the depths of my heart that He DOES always choose what is best, but there are many days that I battle feelings of betrayl over the things that hurt me.
  So, back to the song.  As I listened to the lyrics, I became conscious of the fact that even now, God still wants me to give those choices to Him-- to quit fighting and arguing and complaining about the parts of the story that I don't enjoy.  He has a purpose for me, but greater than that, He has a purpose for His kingdom. I must get over "me" and refuse to get over Him. He has blessed me beyond measure. I have such an amazing husband who loves the Lord passionately and loves me with patience and grace beyond measure. I have a beautiful son who literally brings delight to all of my days. That's who I was driving home to through that terrible rain. A family that is mine because God loves me so much and has freely given to me what I do not deserve.
  Who am I to question the goodness of God? What a wake-up call-- all in the silence that consumed me in the midst of the deafening storm. "When did love become unmoving? When did love become unconsuming? Forgetting what the world has told me; Father of love, You can have me. You can have me."

Thoughts on Stillness

  Since my surgery on the 16th, my life has been drastically slower.  Those who know me best know that I don't do well with sitting still or resting.  Unfortunately, I feel an almost constant need to be accomplishing something.  God has challenged me over this issue for years, and I'm sad to say that I still struggle to find those times of silence and solitude-- at least times that last longer than a few moments each day.
  With the constant assistance with Cale and the doctors' mandate to rest, I've been forced into these times of quiet.  Not surprisingly, I've found that as I became still and silent, God began to open my eyes to some thoughts that have challenged my view on some fundamental beliefs that I've held onto, albeit not always consciously.  These are not profound theological thoughts and are seemingly shallow on a surface level.  Yet, for the place I find myself right now, they're applicable to me.  So, I thought that I would share just a couple of those thoughts briefly, just in case they might be applicable to you, too.
  The first thought that God hit me with this week is that He actually doesn't desire for me to be happy.  He desires for me to be holy.  This isn't an original thought; I do realize that.  But that didn't stop me from hearing it almost audibly a few nights ago.  I've begged God for a change in certain life circumstances, and He has chosen not to change them.  He doesn't need for me to feel good, be happy, or enjoy everything about my life.  He desires me for the say "Hallelujah" (literally, Praise Yahweh) in spite of circumstances that I may not like, and may in fact sometimes despise. 
  The second thought that He's brought to my attention is that our sin breaks His heart much more than our pain does.  I love to find comfort in the fact that God hurts when I am hurting, but He has shifted my attention to the fact that sometimes, just sometimes, He actually rejoices when I'm struggling because He KNOWS that my pain will result in repentance and refinement.  Don't misunderstand me; I'm not saying that God is joyful over our pain.  What I am saying is that our Holy God loves us so deeply and so passionately that He always desires what is BEST for us, not what will temporarily satisfy our human longings for things/places/people--you fill in the blank-- that we don't actually need.  He has challenged my definition of "need" to my very core over the last year.  Did I need a nursery for Cale? Obviously not because God didn't work that out.  Do we need the privacy of our own home right now? Obviously not because God hasn't provided that either.  As a new mom, I battled with God over our own space and a place to decorate for my little man.  I didn't need those things, though! God has provided amazing friends and family who have freely opened their doors to us while we wait for our house in NC to sell.  That's what we needed: a place to reside.  We didn't need anything beyond that. 
  Our God has every detail of the entire universe  planned. I cannot fathom the magnitude of how the details of my very existence play into the story that He has written for eternity.  He doesn't need me, and yet He chooses to love me and use me for His glory.  That's what He's been reminding me.  I cannot begin to give articulate the details of all the other things that He is bringing to my attention, but I am thankful that He has allowed me this time to be still, silent, and rest in His grace-- even if I've fought Him at almost every turn. ;)