Since my surgery on the 16th, my life has been drastically slower. Those who know me best know that I don't do well with sitting still or resting. Unfortunately, I feel an almost constant need to be accomplishing something. God has challenged me over this issue for years, and I'm sad to say that I still struggle to find those times of silence and solitude-- at least times that last longer than a few moments each day.
With the constant assistance with Cale and the doctors' mandate to rest, I've been forced into these times of quiet. Not surprisingly, I've found that as I became still and silent, God began to open my eyes to some thoughts that have challenged my view on some fundamental beliefs that I've held onto, albeit not always consciously. These are not profound theological thoughts and are seemingly shallow on a surface level. Yet, for the place I find myself right now, they're applicable to me. So, I thought that I would share just a couple of those thoughts briefly, just in case they might be applicable to you, too.
The first thought that God hit me with this week is that He actually doesn't desire for me to be happy. He desires for me to be holy. This isn't an original thought; I do realize that. But that didn't stop me from hearing it almost audibly a few nights ago. I've begged God for a change in certain life circumstances, and He has chosen not to change them. He doesn't need for me to feel good, be happy, or enjoy everything about my life. He desires me for the say "Hallelujah" (literally, Praise Yahweh) in spite of circumstances that I may not like, and may in fact sometimes despise.
The second thought that He's brought to my attention is that our sin breaks His heart much more than our pain does. I love to find comfort in the fact that God hurts when I am hurting, but He has shifted my attention to the fact that sometimes, just sometimes, He actually rejoices when I'm struggling because He KNOWS that my pain will result in repentance and refinement. Don't misunderstand me; I'm not saying that God is joyful over our pain. What I am saying is that our Holy God loves us so deeply and so passionately that He always desires what is BEST for us, not what will temporarily satisfy our human longings for things/places/people--you fill in the blank-- that we don't actually need. He has challenged my definition of "need" to my very core over the last year. Did I need a nursery for Cale? Obviously not because God didn't work that out. Do we need the privacy of our own home right now? Obviously not because God hasn't provided that either. As a new mom, I battled with God over our own space and a place to decorate for my little man. I didn't need those things, though! God has provided amazing friends and family who have freely opened their doors to us while we wait for our house in NC to sell. That's what we needed: a place to reside. We didn't need anything beyond that.
Our God has every detail of the entire universe planned. I cannot fathom the magnitude of how the details of my very existence play into the story that He has written for eternity. He doesn't need me, and yet He chooses to love me and use me for His glory. That's what He's been reminding me. I cannot begin to give articulate the details of all the other things that He is bringing to my attention, but I am thankful that He has allowed me this time to be still, silent, and rest in His grace-- even if I've fought Him at almost every turn. ;)
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