Be Thou my Vision

I used to long for days of peace, days of ease. I used to think that perhaps God would allow us to have seasons of ease in order to balance out the seasons of such gut-wrenching hardships.  Instead, over the last several months, I've begun to recognize what I like to think of as His quiet grace. His quiet grace is always present, in the wonderful celebrations of life and in the times of doubt and defeat.  If my days were spent relishing in the delights of the world, I'd never even understand what grace is.  I've always known that God shows us grace, but when the world falls apart and it's all I have left to stand upon, I can feel this quiet grace radiating in my core. It's the burning strength that keeps me going when I want to lie down and give up. It's personal and it's tangible. It moves my soul to the throne of the only one who can help me.

Over the last year or so, I've truly struggled with hurt feelings towards the Lord. I haven't been angry with Him, but I've felt a little alone, a little rejected.  Without going into any kind of details, suffice it to say that life in the ministry can just be tough.  Life with two little boys at home with me every day can be tough (as all moms know!). Throw in a a myriad of other difficult situations that are personal and all of this after a losing my brother, and I became a mess. I became someone who I didn't even recognize in the depths of my being.  I still did everything that I knew I should do, but I began to withhold my heart from God. For many months, I felt that I would never feel whole again. I thought this tainted version of a life where I fought to get through every day would be my new norm.

I'm not sure what began to turn the tide in my heart, but I am so thankful for a God who pursues me every day with His goodness and mercy (Psalm 23:6). None of the circumstances have changed, but God has reminded me a little bit about what it means to feel wholly content in Him. He has blessed me with an incredible husband, parents, in-laws, friends, and precious boys who love on me day in and day out.

Tonight I received some disappointing news, and I was surprised by how quickly I felt that old chasm open again. So, I must dig in-- cling to Truth-- and stand firm.  I know that the next several weeks are going to be extremely draining emotionally as we celebrate Thanksgiving (the last time I saw my brother alive), his birthday, the anniversary of his death, and then go to trial against the man who murdered him (and still claims he is innocent, I might add).  These situations, these hurts are always going to be there below the surface.  I don't expect to ever not feel them. Yet, I can continue to walk with His quiet grace sustaining me.  I can allow Him to take my eyes off the temporary and place them on the eternal. I can know with all confidence that He loves me in my brokenness and He will be near to me when I feel crushed, but it's not His desire that I should remain there. It's His desire that I walk on and trust more and that when the next major blow comes, I can perhaps remain a little more steady on my feet as He holds my hand and walks me through it.

"Be Thou my vision, oh Lord of my heart. Naught be all else to me save that Thou art. Thou my best thought by day or by night, waking or sleeping Thy presence my light."