Cale

My darling Cale,

            You aren’t old enough to read this yet, but I hope that one day you will stumble upon it and understand just a tiny part of what you mean to me.   Three years ago on this very day, God brought you into this world and into our lives.  Your smile, your beautiful eyes, and your laughter—your precious, precious laughter—have been blessing me every day since.  Your curiosity and adventurous spirit provide us with some interesting moments and days, but I wouldn’t trade them for anything.  You are a treasure. 

            I will never forget looking at the last doctor who told me I would never have children and saying, “Well, I guess if God wants me to have children, I will.”  We were so thankful when we learned that you were on the way.  We chose your name because of God’s goodness to us:  Cale (“one who is manly and strong”) and Jackson (“God is gracious”). It is our prayer that you will grow to be strong in the Lord.  God has shown me such a beautiful, unrelenting grace since He blessed me with you, baby.  There have been so many days in your short three years that I would have wanted to give up the fight, but the Lord reminded me of His goodness through you over and over again.  Though the years have been full of challenges, betrayals, moves (6 to date), and great loss, they have also been full of countless moments of absolute joy. 

            Cale, each night when we bow with you and pray at your bed, it isn’t so that we can feel good about a routine or checking something off the “to-do” list.  It is because we beseech our Father every single day to win your heart, to teach you what it means to be upright and blameless before Him, to take only paths that are firm, and to guard your heart above all else.  He is the wellspring of life.  That you would understand that is single-handedly the matter of greatest importance in our lives.  We love you because He loves us.  We only even understand love because of His great love for us.  Oh, Cale, I cannot wait for the day when you come to know Him personally, too.

            As we watch you grow and learn, we rejoice in who He has created you to be.  From your silly phrases (“You are killing me!” “I love you most!” “What in the world?”) to your made-up songs, you are a joy to watch.  Your bear hugs and your “mama kisses” and “daddy kisses” make our days.  Thank you for being you, sweet boy.  I cannot wait to see what story He has written for your life.     

Love,

Mama

Precious Time

     After taking a 6-month hiatus from writing, I've decided to take a few moments tonight to give credit where credit is due for all that has been happening in our lives.  We are so overwhelmed with God's goodness to us.  As we look back over the last year and the depths of betrayal, pain, and loss that we faced, we are continually thankful for the abundant ways that God has provided for us in every way-- through the deep love of family and friends, financially, and even through bringing us back to the mountains of Hendersonville to a wonderful church whom we already love. I literally drive down the roads here praising Him for the ability to live in such a beautiful place again.
     As I write this, my eyes are literally filled with tears of gratitude to my God.  I haven't had the heart to write for some time now; not because I have not wanted to, but simply because words cannot do justice to the experiences of daily life and the riches that have been poured out upon us.  Not a day passes that I don't think of Ryan and wish for one more conversation, one more hug.  Yet, as I think of him now, my heart is lighter and I am grateful to know that he is whole. Grief is a lasting burden, but I'm beginning to learn how to lay it down. I realize how precious life is and how fleeting it is.  I have learned that many things in life can wait, but pouring out my love into those around me cannot.  My husband, my boys, my parents, my brother and sister-in law, all of my family and Jason's family-- these are people with whom God has blessed me.  I have the unique opportunity to love each of them in a way that only I can.  My call as His child is to love, love, and love some more.  Even when the toys are scattered everywhere and the laundry is piling up.  Even when I am tired and don't feel like playing cars again or cooking a meal or letting the "tickle spider" crawl up Cale's back for the millionth time. These moments are precious. I do not know that I will have the opportunity tomorrow to do what God has given me the opportunity to do now.  So, I strive to be intentional: my attitude, my words, my actions-- they all matter. I want to be a woman of grace: a woman who lives in the constant awareness of God's goodness to me. I am so undeserving.
     Jason has written a blog over the last year with some of the finer details of ways that God has answered prayers in major ways-- how through utter devestation He has brought goodness and light into our lives.  When he publishes it, I'll post a link to it as well. I hope that you'll read it-- regardless of your belief or lack thereof in God. It's our story; a raw look at our personal history and the triumph of the Lord.

Update time: Selling Houses and having babies!

Tonight, I can't help but be overwhelmed by the love I feel for my husband and my two boys.  As I sit here preparing for bed, I just keep thinking about that precious little boy who is sleeping in his bed and how he blew me kiss after kiss as I left his room for bedtime tonight. Regardless of how difficult a day has been or how many temper tantrums we've faced, I just have an overwhelming joy in my heart as I think about what a blessing that boy is.
Children are a blessing from the Lord. There is no doubt about it! I cannot wait to meet Oliver and discover what a precious gift he is, too.
I am so thankful for these boys and for the husband who continually loves and encourages me-- even when I am at my tiredest (and crankiest!) ever.

Just a brief update on the happenings in the Kittrell house:

We're packing and moving! We're closing on our house this coming Thursday (the 26th).  Praise God for selling it within 2 months of being listed! It is so apparent that God is providing for us and taking care of us every step of the way! We're moving to a house out in the country that will allow us to stay close enough for Jason to continue his role as Interim Pastor at New Hope! We'll stay there faithfully (and happily) until God shows us where to head full-time!

Oliver's scheduled arrival is 7:30 a.m. on May 11th! He is growing well and doing perfectly as far as we know. The pregnancy is continually harder, but I know that God will carry me faithfully until the time for Oliver to come, whenever that might be. I won't object if it's a little earlier than the 11th. ;)

Cale is thrilled about becoming a big brother.  He rubbed my belly today and told me that he misses "Ollie." I asked him how he could miss him when he hasn't met him yet, but I think it's just his way of saying he's ready to meet him! I told him that Oliver would come to meet us in a few weeks, and he giggled his sweet giddy laugh that lets us know he's really excited about something! He helped me sort through Oliver's clothes yesterday and remarked, "Ohh, cute!" about an outfit covered in firetrucks and race cars. Haha. The things he comes up with these days simply make me laugh!

So, that's just a brief update on where we are and what's to come! We don't know what tomorrow holds, but we continue to trust!

A quick Update on the Kittrells

For those near and far who continually pray for us, I want to take a few moments to share with you about some of the things going on in the life of the Kittrells!

On the job front, Jason became Interim Pastor at New Hope Baptist Church in Pelion, SC, this past Sunday. We've been with them since January, but it's official now that we'll be there until we move for a full-time position or they find a permanent pastor! We have been incredibly blessed to be part of the friendly congregation there, and Jason has loved preaching twice every Sunday and now on Wednesdays. God has definitely used this time and this opportunity to stretch us in ministry that we had yet to experience. We are so thankful for the loving encouragement of the people at New Hope. They have embraced us with such sweet acceptance, and they love us as their own!

On the house front, we officially put our Lexington home on the market about 3-4 weeks ago. We have had quite a few showings, and we are expectantly looking forward to God answering our prayers for a sell with the right timing to coincide with an official job move. We are so grateful for those who have poured out numerous hours to help us during the process of preparing the house to be "market-ready!"

On the pregnancy front, I have continued to deal with some minor complications.  Baby boy is healthy, though, and still scheduled to arrive on May 11 (C-Section) if he doesn't come earlier! I did find out today that I will be on antibiotics for the remainder of the pregnancy due to an infection that will not relent and could cause danger to the baby without antibiotics preventing it! While the thought of that bothers me, I know that I have to do what is necessary to keep baby healthy! We have still yet to officially decide upon a name, but we'll let everyone know when we do! (Though, please remember with Cale that didn't happen until we were in the OR!)

Cale continues to bless us each day with his precious personality. He is talking constantly and usually amazes us on a daily basis with something random he says. We have been so incredibly blessed by the time that we've had as a family over the last 4 months. Though many may see it as a time of trial and difficulty (and it admittedly has been in numerous ways), we are choosing to be thankful for the time. Quality time is not something that we can re-capture once the opportunity has passed. So we are thankful-- for every moment.

As for my family, we appreciate your ongoing prayers as we muddle through the waters of grief. As those of you know who have lost loved ones, it is simply a long, long journey. While I find the basics of life a little easier now, there are still moments (and days, even) of heavy grief, of wishing that he could simply return to us. This is all a natural part of grieving, and we are thankful for the love and support that so many have shown.  The hard part isn't over, though, especially not for my parents and even my older brother, for whom the loss is indeed realized on a daily basis, over and over again, since they were with him all the time.

We are sincerely grateful for the walls of prayer that have surrounded us over the last 4 months. To say "thank you" doesn't come close to sufficing for how we feel. Our God has sustained us and sustains us still. We are blessed.

In honor of my Hubby

Over the past 7.5 years, I've learned and observed many things about marriage.  Sadly, one of the most obvious observations has been that in our society, it's far more common for spouses to denounce one another, both in private and in public, rather than support and encourage one another.  When Jason and I married in October of 2004, I made a commitment of sorts to myself and to the Lord, to honor my husband with my lips. It is truly the desire of my heart to encourage him and build him up, whether I am speaking to him or about him to someone else.  I'm certainly not perfect at this, but I do strive on a daily basis to continually work to be better! If you're married, you know the value of words and how much they can strengthen or damage your marriage! So, in light of that and the fact that today is Jason's 30th birthday, I'd like to publicly share just a few things that I am so incredibly thankful for about my husband! Feel free to read them or not! This is simply a way for me to honor my best friend, my teammate.

- He loves the Lord above all else.
-His love for me is second only to his love for the Lord.
-He is an admirable, loving, patient, and encouraging father to Cale, and Cale demonstrates how much he understands that by his deep love for "Daddy." 
-He continually supports me and listens to me. If I approach him with something that's heavy upon my heart, he always listens, and always acts to help me in the ways that I request help.
-He is committed to purity. He diverts his eyes whenever we come in contact with a lady who isn't appropriately covered-- whether in person, on a movie, or in an advertisement. He has never used the excuse that it's "just a man thing to look." He honors me with his eyes, and I couldn't be more thankful.
-He constantly reminds me that he thinks I'm beautiful (even with a giant baby belly!).
-He has a deep, constant joy that I don't find in myself or in many others. He constantly sings and whistles. He trusts the Lord during the most difficult times.
-He works to let the Lord teach him more and more about the things he's passionate about-- marriage, fatherhood, ministry, etc. by studying God's Word, reading books by godly men, and by seeking out the counsel of older, godly men.
-His love for others consistently inspires me to love more deeply.
- He doesn't raise his voice to me. We decided before we married that we would always try to communicate calmly and with grace, and I am thankful to say that this has held true for 7.5 years-- even through stressful life situations and difficult trials.  Not only are words important, but so is the tone in which they are shared.  Jason always strives to honor me in this way.  It really is possible to discuss things on which we don't agree without becoming angry and using harsh words or tones.  If we don't feel like it's possible at the moment something angers us, we've learned to wait until we can discuss it calmly.  This prevents us both from saying words that we later regret. Now, there have certainly been times of failure in this area, but we make it our goal to fight for each other, not against each other.
-He leads our family in ways that honor God, even if it's not the easy way (and it usually isn't!)

These are just a few of the things that I treasure the most about you, Babe! There are countless more. I am so blessed to have you as the one with whom to share my life! Happy Birthday! I hope it's a day of miracles for you.

Love,
Wifey

Making Sense of it All

Our days are filled with everything under the sun. A busy 2-year-old. A constant job search. A broken wrist for Jason. Painting & repairing our home in order to list it for sale. Never-ending paperwork and "business" to take care of as we navigate the waters of unemployment and rearranging our lives. A pregnancy that's already resulted in three trips to the hospital with complications. Sickness, infection, and exhaustion. Soul exhaustion.

These things, these events, keep my body busy and my mind distracted.  Yet, the grief of losing my brother still hangs over us like a heavy cloud that doesn't plan on disintegrating anytime soon.  The busyness of our life is, frankly, overwhelming. I spend my days thinking about what everyone around me needs, and I'm getting pretty bad at taking care of myself.

As is common for me, I have a song on my mind. This time it's "Waking Life" by Schuyler Fisk. It's a song that I randomly stumbled upon, having never heard of the artist before. The chorus reads as follows:"I'm not lost, just looking for footprints. I'm taking it one step at a time, and I'm getting by. But by the way, it's you on my mind. It's you on my mind."

Sometimes, I feel as if I'm on the brink of being lost, but my Savior keeps me hanging on. I have to take it all a step at a time; I can't handle anything more. I can't help but look for those footprints, though: evidence that I'm still walking, still breathing. And my footprints are not alone. I remember walking on the beach with Jason and Cale in December, only two weeks after losing my brother. I remember looking at our footprints in the sand and just taking in the three different sets: the footprints that are walking the same journey as I am. At the thought of those footprints, I am entrenched with thankfulness of my husband and our precious son. Sadly, in the same breath, I am reminded so quickly that they could be taken so suddenly, and I can't do anything to protect them. The fears plague my dreams; the weight of the reality of my forever-altered family tortures my days.

Try as I may, there is no making sense of this. The road we walk in faith is more littered with obstacles than ever before as we seek to understand with our human emotions the whys of life. So, I am left with a choice. I can turn and walk away and choose to muddle through the pain and tears alone, or I can cling to the One who has promised that it makes sense to Him. I can give the enemy the satisfaction of watching me walk in fear, or I can crawl and struggle, but lean into the One who will one day take all of my fears away. I've given up on pretending to be happy, but I can honestly say that God still protects the joy that deeply resides in my heart. Sure, it's a little buried right now, but it's still there. He is my joy, and He cannot be taken away. He's the only one, but I have that promise.

And so, we take it a day at a time, and we're getting by. But, Ryan, you're still on my mind. I'm still heartbroken that I couldn't tell you "I love you" one more time. I don't think that's going to change until I see you again, but see you again I will. Until then, baby brother, we know you're in Perfect hands, and for that we are thankful.

Grief

On December 10th, I woke up to a phone call that changed my world.  When I realized that my dad had been trying to call since 4:30 in the morning, I knew immediately that something was wrong, but I never imagined the magnitude of what he had to tell me that day. When he told me that my younger brother Ryan (age 24) had been killed in a car accident, I didn't fully understand what he was saying. I remember asking, "My brother, Ryan?" thinking surely I was mistaken. I remember asking to speak to my mom, but my brain seemed to kind of shut down. I started to hyperventilate, and I remember telling her I needed to go wake Jason up, that I needed to go breathe. Breathe. By the time I made it to Jason, I don't even know what I said. I know that he jumped up to hold me, and I know that I would have hit the floor had he not been there. The rest of the morning was a blur of trying to pack and get to the Upstate, and my brain simply seemed to be frozen. I couldn't remember what day of the week it was or what I needed to pack for the trip. It was as if everything inside of me just stopped, though I knew I had to keep moving, keep breathing.

Two weeks have passed since that early Saturday morning. I can't even begin to recount the number of times I've had to repeat to myself "Just breathe," over those two weeks.  There are moments when I'm busy with Cale or watching a show or movie when I fall numb again, but the moments of numbness are becoming increasingly rare.  The moments of the reality of the loss are becoming increasingly frequent.  The shock is beginning to fade, and I'm left with the hole that seems completely overwhelming. A permanent hole in my family. A brother who adored my son, and my son will never even remember him. My 2nd child will never even meet him. A brother who still called me "Sissy." A brother who, from all human standpoints, should be here with us celebrating Christmas this year.

I'm learning a lot about grieving-- the process that takes much longer than any of us would like to believe.  I'm learning that although my faith in the Lord has not been shaken (indeed, I have known His grace more fully than ever before over the last two weeks), it's still okay to cry. It's still okay to be broken. It's still okay to feel as though I might just fall apart. God's big enough to handle all of our brokenness combined. It's fully permissible to admit that none of this feels "okay" right now. Nothing about having a drunk driver (who, for the record, already had 2 DUIs this year) murder your baby brother is okay. It simply isn't.

And yet. There is a yet. I know, that with time, God will heal these wounds. I know that we won't ever feel like our family is whole again; I'm not that naive.  I know that it's quite possible that next December 10th will be just as hard as this past one was. But I know that it's not hard for Ryan. He's no longer bound by time, no longer chained by human pain, sadness, or weakness of any type.  Instead, he's kind of the lucky one among us, the one who will celebrate Christmas at Home this year. That's the only joy that keeps us going, that keeps us moving through each day-- even the days that pass so very slowly.

I'm falling apart.
I'm barely breathing.
With a broken heart
that's still beating.
In the pain,
there is healing.
In Your name,
I find meaning.

That's an excerpt from a Lifehouse song called "Broken." It seems to play on repeat in my mind these days. I'm pretty good at being tough on the outside, but the inside is pretty broken right now. I'm not afraid to admit that. I'm holding on, but sometimes my grip isn't all that great. The good news is that my Father's grip is unrelenting.  He hasn't let us go.

I write all of this tonight, not to sadden anyone on Christmas Eve, but to simply share that even in the midst of deep, deep pain, there is Hope. We have hope because of what we celebrate each Christmas-- the birth of the One who gives us peace, who redeems our sin, who promises us a future. I have to be honest-- I wouldn't have chosen the way the last couple of months have panned out. I wouldn't have chosen for Jason to lose his job, to have a seriously difficult and complicated pregnancy, and to lose my brother. But, I do choose to continue to follow the Lord who knew every detail of all of this ahead of time and still allowed us to endure it. I know that His love is fierce; I know that I can trust Him to give us brighter days.

"I'm holding on another day, just to see what You will throw my way. I'm holding on to what You said. You said that I will be okay."