For the majority of my life, I've held onto the belief that finding my identity was important. Throughout the years of growth, I found my identity in various things: excelling in school, making good "moral" choices, even being a believer in Christ. I found my identity in my home, my family, my job, my role in the church, and even in using my gifts.
On the surface, there doesn't appear to be anything wrong with finding one's identity, as long as you ultimately learn to find it in the right place, right? We're taught from an early age that since God created us uniquely as individuals, we should strive to figure out all of those details about ourselves in order to use them for His glory. Sadly, what I've found is that it's so easy to figure those things out about ourselves and then assume that those things are actually for our own glory. I don't even mean in blatant ways; I can honestly say that most of the time I "feel" like I'm using God's gifts for His glory and kingdom. The reality, however, is that when one of those things is taken from me, I find out who I was really worried about: me.
I could list several examples of how this has happened at different times in my life, but the latest has been so real that I can't pass up the opportunity to be transparent and share it. Being transparent doesn't come easily for me, so bear with me.
I've been incredibly blessed to serve in ministry positions since the age of 16. I graduated from high school at 16 and immediately took a job with the South Carolina Baptist Convention as a summer missionary. I began college at North Greenville University that fall and worked in the Campus Ministry office-- just as a work study assistant for the year. Then, I joined Concord Baptist in Anderson, SC that summer as a Youth and Children's intern. I stayed on through the fall while they hired a new youth minister, and I joined them again the next summer as an intern again. By the time I finished my degree at NGU, Jason and I were married and serving together in a church in Greenville, SC.
While the "ministry position" was no longer mine by title after Jason and I got married, I still served by his side. I attended every event, helped him in planning, spent time with girls at our house, hosted events, attended women's Bible studies, etc. My life was absolutely full of ministry. We moved to Tryon, NC and began serving in a church in Hendersonville, NC a couple of years later. During our time there, I taught at the church's school and continued to passionately serve by Jason's side. I absolutely LOVED doing ministry- not because it's easy or even fun all the time, but because it's such a blessing to see God's hands at work every single day, in spite of the numerous difficulties.
In October of 2009, God moved us to Lexington, SC to serve at Lake Murray. Jason's first Sunday was actually November 1st, and we jumped right in! I tried to spend time getting to know students and adults, but I was 8 months pregnant, and socializing wasn't the easiest thing in the world. I went into pre-term labor 3 times before actually having Cale on December 1st of that year. My social life and my extra involvement in the church and "ministry" pretty much ceased to exist as I adjusted to motherhood.
Now, nearly 16 months later, I'm finding my way back into "ministry." Cale's a little older now, and it's easier to spend time teaching Bible studies, attending Bible studies, and just being involved in activities in general. These 16 months have been a tremendous struggle for me, though, and for all of the wrong reasons. God has really shown me just how much I care about people's perception of me. By coming into a new church and having a baby 4 weeks later, most of the people there didn't get to know me at all. It's easy for me to be "the youth minister's wife who nobody ever sees." Between my own sickness and Cale's numerous ear infections over the last year, there have been times that a few weeks could go by without me being able to attend church. While I was still worshipping in my day to day life, downloading our pastor's sermons and others online, and spending time in God's Word, I became really discouraged because I worried about what people thought about me for not being at church.
As I find my way back into an easier schedule, God continually reminds me that I need to check my motives and my heart. Am I worried about what people think? Sometimes, I still am. Yet, God is showing me that in the things that matter for eternity, it's not what any other person thinks or feels about me. It's about completely losing myself for the sake of His kingdom. For so long, I found my identity in doing ministry. I've known since the age of 15 that it is my calling, but that doesn't make it my identity. I've come to believe that as we mature in Christ, He takes us from the point of feeling insecure and having low self-esteem, to the point of having confidence in who He created us to be, to the point of finally grasping the fact that it doesn't even matter "who I am." It's all about Him! When I finally get to the point that every breath and every decision is about what He wants for me and not about what I want for me, then maybe I'll quit trying to find my identity in the things of the world-- or even the things that appear to be of Him and are actually still all about how they make me feel.
I want to be only who He wants me to be. I'm not there; I'm so far from it. But that's who I want to be. I want to love and serve and pour myself out, and not even stop to think about the fact that I'm doing it. He is so worthy of that.
"On Fire"
They tell you where you need to go
They tell you when you'll need to leave
They tell you what you need to know
They tell you who you need to be
But everything inside you knows
There's more than what you've heard
There's so much more than empty conversations
Filled with empty words
And you're on fire
When He's near you
You're on fire
When He speaks
You're on fire
Burning at these mysteries
Give me one more time around
Give me one more chance to see
Give me everything You are
Give me one more chance to be... (near You)
Cause everything inside me looks like
Everything I hate
You are the hope I have for change
You are the only chance I'll take
When I'm on fire
When You're near me
I'm on fire
When You speak
And I'm on fire
Burning at these mysteries
These mysteries...
I'm standing on the edge of me [x3]
I'm standing on the edge of everything I've never been before.
And I've been standing on the edge of me
Standing on the edge
And I'm on fire
When You're near me
I'm on fire
When You speak
(Yea) I'm on fire
Burning at these mysteries... these mysteries... these mysteries
Ah you're the mystery
You're the mystery.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Flying Time
Throughout the last couple of months, I've spent moments on a daily basis simply sitting in awe of how quickly time is passing. Cale amazes me each day with his ability to walk, climb, talk, and discover the world around him. He continually teaches himself how to do new things; some of those things are beneficial, and some of them are dangerous. I feel as though I spend my days constantly watching him to protect him from danger, but also trying to allow him the space to explore and grow and learn for himself.
As many have said before me, I certainly have a greater understanding of my Father's love due to this little blessing of a wild man who walks (and bounds!) around our home each day. It's not just love of which I have a deeper understanding, however. Everything in life is different now. I don't mean the fact that our social life has drastically changed or that taking a long drive is no longer as appealing or any of the other myriad of ways that our physical life has changed. God has simply literally changed my perspective on who He created us to be.
Every moment of our lives is planned with purpose. And guess what? That purpose is not all about us! I love the book of Jeremiah, and I often find myself identifying with his story and with his struggles. Yet, I am often frustrated by the misuse of Jeremiah 29:11. To understand Scripture, we must always (ALWAYS) read it in context. Throughout the book of Jeremiah, we see the familiar story of the Israelites and their disobedience to the Lord. God longs for them to turn back to Him, but year after year and generation after generation, they refuse. So, through Jeremiah, God communicates to them some of the disasters that are coming. He uses those disasters to turn their hearts back to Him.
Chapter 29 describes how God will bring them back from captivity because HE knows the plans He has for them, and those plans are for good! Yet, He still allowed them to be taken captive! We cannot miss that critical point. God allows us to suffer, to hurt, to be challenged so that we can understand His great love for us and His desire to see us grow.
Sure, the following message wouldn't be as appealing (on say, a graduation frame): " 'I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you.' But I'll still let you be taken captive first so that you'll understand who I really am and who I really desire for you to be!" Can you imagine receiving that on a coffee mug? It's not such a pleasant notion, and yet it is absolutely truth. Does that make God mean? Absolutely not. It's simply a more complete picture of His love for us. He gives us freedom to make our own choices, to explore, to learn our way in the world. Yet, He is continually there offering guidance, wisdom, and protection. He's continually offering us the choice to lay down our desires and follow Him.
The cool thing about Cale is that he's still young enough to want to be with Mommy. If I walk into the next room and say, "Cale! Follow me!" he excitedly follows me wherever I go. That's not always going to be the case, I know, but I do pray that as he grows we will be able to instill in him the desire to follow the One who's really worth following. We read Scripture with Cale every night, and God uses that precious little boy to remind me that yes, this is all with purpose. The days aren't always easy or fun, but every moment counts for eternity. I can't let these moments slip by without making sure that I am being sensitive and obedient to the One who created them. I can't manipulate Scripture to make it all about me, and I can't be deceived by the world's ideals of comfort and mediocrity. God has abundantly more for me than comfort or mediocrity. He's offering Life. Not just breath in the morning and the ability to climb out of bed, but actual Life; He sustains me, He fills me with joy, He satisfies my every need. And so, as the days continue to fly by, I pray that I'll live in such a way that the moments really do matter- not for my glory or the furtherance of my materialism, but for His glory and the furtherance of His kingdom.
Blessed. We are so blessed.
As many have said before me, I certainly have a greater understanding of my Father's love due to this little blessing of a wild man who walks (and bounds!) around our home each day. It's not just love of which I have a deeper understanding, however. Everything in life is different now. I don't mean the fact that our social life has drastically changed or that taking a long drive is no longer as appealing or any of the other myriad of ways that our physical life has changed. God has simply literally changed my perspective on who He created us to be.
Every moment of our lives is planned with purpose. And guess what? That purpose is not all about us! I love the book of Jeremiah, and I often find myself identifying with his story and with his struggles. Yet, I am often frustrated by the misuse of Jeremiah 29:11. To understand Scripture, we must always (ALWAYS) read it in context. Throughout the book of Jeremiah, we see the familiar story of the Israelites and their disobedience to the Lord. God longs for them to turn back to Him, but year after year and generation after generation, they refuse. So, through Jeremiah, God communicates to them some of the disasters that are coming. He uses those disasters to turn their hearts back to Him.
Chapter 29 describes how God will bring them back from captivity because HE knows the plans He has for them, and those plans are for good! Yet, He still allowed them to be taken captive! We cannot miss that critical point. God allows us to suffer, to hurt, to be challenged so that we can understand His great love for us and His desire to see us grow.
Sure, the following message wouldn't be as appealing (on say, a graduation frame): " 'I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you.' But I'll still let you be taken captive first so that you'll understand who I really am and who I really desire for you to be!" Can you imagine receiving that on a coffee mug? It's not such a pleasant notion, and yet it is absolutely truth. Does that make God mean? Absolutely not. It's simply a more complete picture of His love for us. He gives us freedom to make our own choices, to explore, to learn our way in the world. Yet, He is continually there offering guidance, wisdom, and protection. He's continually offering us the choice to lay down our desires and follow Him.
The cool thing about Cale is that he's still young enough to want to be with Mommy. If I walk into the next room and say, "Cale! Follow me!" he excitedly follows me wherever I go. That's not always going to be the case, I know, but I do pray that as he grows we will be able to instill in him the desire to follow the One who's really worth following. We read Scripture with Cale every night, and God uses that precious little boy to remind me that yes, this is all with purpose. The days aren't always easy or fun, but every moment counts for eternity. I can't let these moments slip by without making sure that I am being sensitive and obedient to the One who created them. I can't manipulate Scripture to make it all about me, and I can't be deceived by the world's ideals of comfort and mediocrity. God has abundantly more for me than comfort or mediocrity. He's offering Life. Not just breath in the morning and the ability to climb out of bed, but actual Life; He sustains me, He fills me with joy, He satisfies my every need. And so, as the days continue to fly by, I pray that I'll live in such a way that the moments really do matter- not for my glory or the furtherance of my materialism, but for His glory and the furtherance of His kingdom.
Blessed. We are so blessed.
Friday, December 17, 2010
A different perspective for Christmas
This year, more than ever, God has directly and specifically challenged my heart on the issue of Christmas. I recently blogged about "waiting," and my passion for understanding this great challenge from God has only increased.
I was privileged to speak to a group of ladies at a Christmas dinner & cookie swap earlier this week. The message that I was burdened to share was about the "400 silent years" that existed between the close of the book of Malachi and the opening of the New Testament. While we have no record of prophesies or God speaking to man in any form during those years in history, we do know that He was at work.
Through my study of history, I was amazed at just how many prophesies were fulfilled during those 400 years of tumultuous history. Kingdoms were overthrown repeatedly, the title of "World Power" changed hands several times, and the Israelites were constantly in submission to authorities of other nations. The book of Daniel from the Old Testament is full of prophesies that were fulfilled to the smallest of detail during those years, and many of Israelites had surely almost lost hope.
In spite of the battles, persecution, and struggle through the years of silence, however, some great things happened as well. The Old Testament was translated from Hebrew to Greek for the first time. As Rome became the center of the "world" at that time, Greek became the national language. Thus, more people than ever had access to God's word. (70 scholars worked on this translation in Egypt; we know it today as the Septuagint).
Rome also put roads in places where they had never been, allowing trade to spread. People became more connected than they had ever been through the use of the Roman roads-- roads which were later critical for missionary journeys such as those of Paul and his companions.
During this time, the Maccabaeus family rose and was able to restore the temple in Jerusalem, which had been pillaged and destroyed by Antiochus Ephiphanes 2300 days earlier (one specific example of a prophesy from Daniel), and the Jewish people once again had a place to worship.
As Greek culture spread, the Hellenist (Jews who loved Greek culture) and the group who opposed them, separated themselves and became known as the Pharisees and the Sadducees.
Through all of these events and numerous others, God was setting the stage for the PERFECT time for the long-awaited Messiah! The Israelites had lived under the law for over 2,000 years. They had been captured, pillaged, and ruled by numerous peoples. When I even think about the weight of the burden they must have felt, I'm overwhelmed. To think of the longing in their hearts for a Savior makes me sick at my own complacently and complaining over trivial issues. They had no freedoms to live or woship as they chose, and yet we know that some of them still held on for the One who could save them.
Luke communicates the story so articulately. When the angel Gabriel came to Mary, he told her that she had found favor in God's eyes. Wow. That means that even though her people had lived generation after generation without the voice of God, she still believed. She still worshipped. She was still faithful. (Yet, sometimes I begin to waver after only waiting for a few months for something...)
As we know, the promised Messiah came. It happened just as God had said that it would. The wait was over, and the world was presented with our Savior. A Savior that you and I never even had to wait for. He's been freely and graciously given to us-- and yet we hesitate to give him Lordship in our lives.
These thoughts have led me to see Christmas completely differently this year. I realize that Jesus was not born on December 25th, and we don't actually plan on teaching Cale that this is Jesus' birthday (we'll celebrate it each year closer to the day that we believe historically could have been His birth). What we do plan on doing each Christmas, however, is teaching Cale and sharing with those around us that Christmas is about a fulfillment of the promises of God and the offer of Salvation to the world. For us, that means that this year, we focused more heavily on the needs of those "in need" than the wants of ourselves or even our family members. It means that instead of spending money on Christmas cards with sweet pictures of Cale, we designated that money to a family who couldn't do Christmas without help. More than that, though, it simply means that this year, as December flies by, we focus our hearts and thoughts on the One who came to die. We rejoice in His provision; we saturate ourselves with His truth.
My hope and prayer is that Cale will grow up understanding that we celebrate this truth all year long. We live by it. It is the very life that pumps through our veins. Nothing in this world holds meaning without it.
** I realize that my succint summation of those 400 years of history leaves out many details. I didn't want to write a post that would take hours to read. If anyone has any questions about those years, however, or what prophecies were fulfilled during that time, I would LOVE to give you a more detailed message privately. :)
I was privileged to speak to a group of ladies at a Christmas dinner & cookie swap earlier this week. The message that I was burdened to share was about the "400 silent years" that existed between the close of the book of Malachi and the opening of the New Testament. While we have no record of prophesies or God speaking to man in any form during those years in history, we do know that He was at work.
Through my study of history, I was amazed at just how many prophesies were fulfilled during those 400 years of tumultuous history. Kingdoms were overthrown repeatedly, the title of "World Power" changed hands several times, and the Israelites were constantly in submission to authorities of other nations. The book of Daniel from the Old Testament is full of prophesies that were fulfilled to the smallest of detail during those years, and many of Israelites had surely almost lost hope.
In spite of the battles, persecution, and struggle through the years of silence, however, some great things happened as well. The Old Testament was translated from Hebrew to Greek for the first time. As Rome became the center of the "world" at that time, Greek became the national language. Thus, more people than ever had access to God's word. (70 scholars worked on this translation in Egypt; we know it today as the Septuagint).
Rome also put roads in places where they had never been, allowing trade to spread. People became more connected than they had ever been through the use of the Roman roads-- roads which were later critical for missionary journeys such as those of Paul and his companions.
During this time, the Maccabaeus family rose and was able to restore the temple in Jerusalem, which had been pillaged and destroyed by Antiochus Ephiphanes 2300 days earlier (one specific example of a prophesy from Daniel), and the Jewish people once again had a place to worship.
As Greek culture spread, the Hellenist (Jews who loved Greek culture) and the group who opposed them, separated themselves and became known as the Pharisees and the Sadducees.
Through all of these events and numerous others, God was setting the stage for the PERFECT time for the long-awaited Messiah! The Israelites had lived under the law for over 2,000 years. They had been captured, pillaged, and ruled by numerous peoples. When I even think about the weight of the burden they must have felt, I'm overwhelmed. To think of the longing in their hearts for a Savior makes me sick at my own complacently and complaining over trivial issues. They had no freedoms to live or woship as they chose, and yet we know that some of them still held on for the One who could save them.
Luke communicates the story so articulately. When the angel Gabriel came to Mary, he told her that she had found favor in God's eyes. Wow. That means that even though her people had lived generation after generation without the voice of God, she still believed. She still worshipped. She was still faithful. (Yet, sometimes I begin to waver after only waiting for a few months for something...)
As we know, the promised Messiah came. It happened just as God had said that it would. The wait was over, and the world was presented with our Savior. A Savior that you and I never even had to wait for. He's been freely and graciously given to us-- and yet we hesitate to give him Lordship in our lives.
These thoughts have led me to see Christmas completely differently this year. I realize that Jesus was not born on December 25th, and we don't actually plan on teaching Cale that this is Jesus' birthday (we'll celebrate it each year closer to the day that we believe historically could have been His birth). What we do plan on doing each Christmas, however, is teaching Cale and sharing with those around us that Christmas is about a fulfillment of the promises of God and the offer of Salvation to the world. For us, that means that this year, we focused more heavily on the needs of those "in need" than the wants of ourselves or even our family members. It means that instead of spending money on Christmas cards with sweet pictures of Cale, we designated that money to a family who couldn't do Christmas without help. More than that, though, it simply means that this year, as December flies by, we focus our hearts and thoughts on the One who came to die. We rejoice in His provision; we saturate ourselves with His truth.
My hope and prayer is that Cale will grow up understanding that we celebrate this truth all year long. We live by it. It is the very life that pumps through our veins. Nothing in this world holds meaning without it.
** I realize that my succint summation of those 400 years of history leaves out many details. I didn't want to write a post that would take hours to read. If anyone has any questions about those years, however, or what prophecies were fulfilled during that time, I would LOVE to give you a more detailed message privately. :)
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Waiting
Wait.
To even hear the word makes me cringe somewhat. I'm uncomfortable with waiting, as I'm sure many of you are, as well. As is true to God's nature, however, and His desire to see us constantly learn to be more dependent upon Him, I nearly always find myself waiting for something in life. The things that I'm waiting for today will most likely not be the same as whatever it is that I'm waiting for five years from now, but the emotion behind the waiting is what really matters. The fact is, when God challenges my heart in a certain area and causes me to wait for something that I so desperately long for, I often struggle with honoring Him in the waiting. I frequently seek to justify my impatience by telling God over and over again that what I'm longing for is something that I NEED. Something that will be for His glory. Something that will help us be a better testimony of His goodness.
I wonder if God laughs at these thoughts of mine. Seriously, who am I trying to convince? The God of the universe who loves me deeply enough to make me wait has declared that these things will serve a purpose. Romans 8 gives us a perfect summation: "The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it , in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God. We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will" (verses 19-27).
Wow. God intentionally subjects us to frustration. That could be a little hard to swallow if our focus is on our comfort, our self-centered lifestyles, or our "American dream." The part that follows blows me away, though! He does this so that we will be "liberated from our bondage to decay." We are in bondage to decay. We cannot be deceived about that! Without the Lord and His intentions for our life, we're nothing but bound by a slavery to sin that we can barely fathom. By His unmeasurable love, He chooses for us to suffer so that we understand what true Freedom is. Freedom is not something American. Freedom is found in Christ alone! (To be free to worship is a blessing; don't misunderstand me. Yet, day by day those freedoms are taken from us. We cannot be surprised by a government who chooses to take away our personal freedom when they fail to understand what true freedom is.)
The point of my rambling is this: I don't know what it is that you're waiting on tonight. It may be something small or trivial, but important to you, or it may be absolutely life-altering, as is the case with what I find myself waiting upon now. I will never be able to change the fact that I will always feel that I'm waiting on something. But, I can change my response to where God has me right now. Today. Not looking or begging for change, but trusting my God to fulfill what He has promised. Just as our pastor pointed out in today's message, Luke 1: 45 declares that Mary was blessed because she believed that God would fulfill His promise. After 400 years of silence, God spoke and declared that He was giving His Son to the world. 400 years of silence. Can you even imagine a world where God was silent for 400 years? I can't. I shudder to even think about Him remaining silent for a week.
He calls us to wait. He promises that when we do, we'll understand freedom. It's not an easy task, and it's one that I battle every day, but I'm trusting that God will deliver. Abram waited for a son. The Israelites waited to enter the promised land. Job waited for God to move. The world waited for a Savior. In every case, God delivered. He'll deliver you and me, too.
To even hear the word makes me cringe somewhat. I'm uncomfortable with waiting, as I'm sure many of you are, as well. As is true to God's nature, however, and His desire to see us constantly learn to be more dependent upon Him, I nearly always find myself waiting for something in life. The things that I'm waiting for today will most likely not be the same as whatever it is that I'm waiting for five years from now, but the emotion behind the waiting is what really matters. The fact is, when God challenges my heart in a certain area and causes me to wait for something that I so desperately long for, I often struggle with honoring Him in the waiting. I frequently seek to justify my impatience by telling God over and over again that what I'm longing for is something that I NEED. Something that will be for His glory. Something that will help us be a better testimony of His goodness.
I wonder if God laughs at these thoughts of mine. Seriously, who am I trying to convince? The God of the universe who loves me deeply enough to make me wait has declared that these things will serve a purpose. Romans 8 gives us a perfect summation: "The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it , in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God. We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will" (verses 19-27).
Wow. God intentionally subjects us to frustration. That could be a little hard to swallow if our focus is on our comfort, our self-centered lifestyles, or our "American dream." The part that follows blows me away, though! He does this so that we will be "liberated from our bondage to decay." We are in bondage to decay. We cannot be deceived about that! Without the Lord and His intentions for our life, we're nothing but bound by a slavery to sin that we can barely fathom. By His unmeasurable love, He chooses for us to suffer so that we understand what true Freedom is. Freedom is not something American. Freedom is found in Christ alone! (To be free to worship is a blessing; don't misunderstand me. Yet, day by day those freedoms are taken from us. We cannot be surprised by a government who chooses to take away our personal freedom when they fail to understand what true freedom is.)
The point of my rambling is this: I don't know what it is that you're waiting on tonight. It may be something small or trivial, but important to you, or it may be absolutely life-altering, as is the case with what I find myself waiting upon now. I will never be able to change the fact that I will always feel that I'm waiting on something. But, I can change my response to where God has me right now. Today. Not looking or begging for change, but trusting my God to fulfill what He has promised. Just as our pastor pointed out in today's message, Luke 1: 45 declares that Mary was blessed because she believed that God would fulfill His promise. After 400 years of silence, God spoke and declared that He was giving His Son to the world. 400 years of silence. Can you even imagine a world where God was silent for 400 years? I can't. I shudder to even think about Him remaining silent for a week.
He calls us to wait. He promises that when we do, we'll understand freedom. It's not an easy task, and it's one that I battle every day, but I'm trusting that God will deliver. Abram waited for a son. The Israelites waited to enter the promised land. Job waited for God to move. The world waited for a Savior. In every case, God delivered. He'll deliver you and me, too.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Sometimes, God speaks when I'm driving...
Last night, I went out to grab dinner and bring it home for Jason, Cale, and me. When I left, the weather was nice and I was simply on a mission to get dinner and get back home so that we could eat and begin the bath and bedtime routine with Cale for the night. My mind was racing with thoughts of what I had and had not accomplished that day, what I still needed to accomplish before bed, and what the coming weekend entailed. I'm ashamed to say that I was in no way striving to listen to God or hear His voice . I wasn't thinking about what I had been studying in my Bible or how to bring God glory through my day. No- I was much too occupied thinking about those things that affect me. Just me.
As I drove home, however, God simply grabbed my attention. I love it when He does that! I had turned the radio on but wasn't really listening to anything until an announcer came on to notify listeners of the severe thunderstorm warning for our county. As he did so, I looked in the direction of our house and noticed a few stray streaks of lightning. Suddenly, the sky fell open and the rain fell so heavily upon my windshield that I could barely see in front of my 4Runner. Normally, during times of intense rain such as that, I sit up straighter, squint to try to see the road, and just in general become a little stressed about the road not being visible. (I think this has something to do with our accident four years ago. Strange how one accident can permanently alter your view of safety in an automobile).
Last night, though, as the rain began to fall, I didn't feel any of the normal stress arise. Instead, I felt an overwhelming peace. The station's music resumed, and a song called "You Can Have Me" began to play. I've heard this song numerous times, and to be honest, my general distaste for "Christian pop" frequently keeps me from enjoying songs or gathering any real truth from them. (That's a note for another day, but I HATE shallow music that conveys certain thoughts to be truth that couldn't be further from the Truth.) For some reason, though, as the song began to play, I actually began to listen to the lyrics.
The song begins with "If I saw You on the street and You said 'Come and follow me' but I had to give up everything-- all I once held dear and all of my dreams-- would I love You enough or would my love run dry when You asked for my life?" I immediately began to think back to that night when I was 15 years-old, sitting in the sanctuary of a strange church listening to Adrian Despres preach a message about a blank contract with God. Those who know me well have probably heard me share my testimony about that night and what it began in my life. For those who haven't heard the story, the succint version is that Adrian spoke of an imaginary contract that exists between God and ourselves. Our natural inclination is to desire to fill out the contract with all of the things that we long for in life and expect God to sign it, agreeing to give us all of the things for which we ask. A more accurate picture of what God desires, however, is for US to sign the contract-- a blank one, in fact-- and allow Him to fill in those blanks as He desires. That means giving complete control to Him for all of life's circumstances.
As a 15 year-old, I clearly heard God speak and ask me to surrender my life choices to Him. At the time, I didn't know what that may or may not inclue, but I knew that I could trust Him. Along the way, however, I've become a little distracted, and I freely admit to wanting things for my life that God hasn't chosen. If I had the choice, I would have also left some things out that He chose to include. Sadly, I frequently find myself lamenting over some of the details that He has chosen for me-- perhaps not outwardly, but very much inwardly.
The last year has stretched me beyond my imagination. I've struggled with the myriads of adjustments I've had to make as we both resigned our jobs in NC and prepared to move to SC. As Jason began a new job, I had to get accustomed to staying at home (a wonderful blessing, but a challenge to get used to after working!), and find new doctors for my array of medical needs. The most pressing at the time was the fact that I was 8 months pregnant and needed to immediately find a new OB. Since my pregnancy was considered to be high-risk, it complicated the process a bit. At the time, we had moved in with Jason's parents due to our home in NC still being on the market (as it still is). So, I dealt with a lot of change in a little amount of time. I struggled greatly with missing friends and not having the opportunities to build new friendships as I adjusted to motherhood. I grieved the loss of having our own home and especially not having a "nursery" for Cale. Add to the plate a diagnosis of another autoimmune disease and the realization that I needed to have heart surgery, and I was left reeling. I really wanted to ask God what He was thinking. I really began to doubt my decision to say, "It's all up to You. Whatever You want for me, I freely accept."
All of that to say, even though I certainly haven't turned my back on God, if I'm honest with myself, I have to understand that I have doubted that He always does what's best. I know in the depths of my heart that He DOES always choose what is best, but there are many days that I battle feelings of betrayl over the things that hurt me.
So, back to the song. As I listened to the lyrics, I became conscious of the fact that even now, God still wants me to give those choices to Him-- to quit fighting and arguing and complaining about the parts of the story that I don't enjoy. He has a purpose for me, but greater than that, He has a purpose for His kingdom. I must get over "me" and refuse to get over Him. He has blessed me beyond measure. I have such an amazing husband who loves the Lord passionately and loves me with patience and grace beyond measure. I have a beautiful son who literally brings delight to all of my days. That's who I was driving home to through that terrible rain. A family that is mine because God loves me so much and has freely given to me what I do not deserve.
Who am I to question the goodness of God? What a wake-up call-- all in the silence that consumed me in the midst of the deafening storm. "When did love become unmoving? When did love become unconsuming? Forgetting what the world has told me; Father of love, You can have me. You can have me."
As I drove home, however, God simply grabbed my attention. I love it when He does that! I had turned the radio on but wasn't really listening to anything until an announcer came on to notify listeners of the severe thunderstorm warning for our county. As he did so, I looked in the direction of our house and noticed a few stray streaks of lightning. Suddenly, the sky fell open and the rain fell so heavily upon my windshield that I could barely see in front of my 4Runner. Normally, during times of intense rain such as that, I sit up straighter, squint to try to see the road, and just in general become a little stressed about the road not being visible. (I think this has something to do with our accident four years ago. Strange how one accident can permanently alter your view of safety in an automobile).
Last night, though, as the rain began to fall, I didn't feel any of the normal stress arise. Instead, I felt an overwhelming peace. The station's music resumed, and a song called "You Can Have Me" began to play. I've heard this song numerous times, and to be honest, my general distaste for "Christian pop" frequently keeps me from enjoying songs or gathering any real truth from them. (That's a note for another day, but I HATE shallow music that conveys certain thoughts to be truth that couldn't be further from the Truth.) For some reason, though, as the song began to play, I actually began to listen to the lyrics.
The song begins with "If I saw You on the street and You said 'Come and follow me' but I had to give up everything-- all I once held dear and all of my dreams-- would I love You enough or would my love run dry when You asked for my life?" I immediately began to think back to that night when I was 15 years-old, sitting in the sanctuary of a strange church listening to Adrian Despres preach a message about a blank contract with God. Those who know me well have probably heard me share my testimony about that night and what it began in my life. For those who haven't heard the story, the succint version is that Adrian spoke of an imaginary contract that exists between God and ourselves. Our natural inclination is to desire to fill out the contract with all of the things that we long for in life and expect God to sign it, agreeing to give us all of the things for which we ask. A more accurate picture of what God desires, however, is for US to sign the contract-- a blank one, in fact-- and allow Him to fill in those blanks as He desires. That means giving complete control to Him for all of life's circumstances.
As a 15 year-old, I clearly heard God speak and ask me to surrender my life choices to Him. At the time, I didn't know what that may or may not inclue, but I knew that I could trust Him. Along the way, however, I've become a little distracted, and I freely admit to wanting things for my life that God hasn't chosen. If I had the choice, I would have also left some things out that He chose to include. Sadly, I frequently find myself lamenting over some of the details that He has chosen for me-- perhaps not outwardly, but very much inwardly.
The last year has stretched me beyond my imagination. I've struggled with the myriads of adjustments I've had to make as we both resigned our jobs in NC and prepared to move to SC. As Jason began a new job, I had to get accustomed to staying at home (a wonderful blessing, but a challenge to get used to after working!), and find new doctors for my array of medical needs. The most pressing at the time was the fact that I was 8 months pregnant and needed to immediately find a new OB. Since my pregnancy was considered to be high-risk, it complicated the process a bit. At the time, we had moved in with Jason's parents due to our home in NC still being on the market (as it still is). So, I dealt with a lot of change in a little amount of time. I struggled greatly with missing friends and not having the opportunities to build new friendships as I adjusted to motherhood. I grieved the loss of having our own home and especially not having a "nursery" for Cale. Add to the plate a diagnosis of another autoimmune disease and the realization that I needed to have heart surgery, and I was left reeling. I really wanted to ask God what He was thinking. I really began to doubt my decision to say, "It's all up to You. Whatever You want for me, I freely accept."
All of that to say, even though I certainly haven't turned my back on God, if I'm honest with myself, I have to understand that I have doubted that He always does what's best. I know in the depths of my heart that He DOES always choose what is best, but there are many days that I battle feelings of betrayl over the things that hurt me.
So, back to the song. As I listened to the lyrics, I became conscious of the fact that even now, God still wants me to give those choices to Him-- to quit fighting and arguing and complaining about the parts of the story that I don't enjoy. He has a purpose for me, but greater than that, He has a purpose for His kingdom. I must get over "me" and refuse to get over Him. He has blessed me beyond measure. I have such an amazing husband who loves the Lord passionately and loves me with patience and grace beyond measure. I have a beautiful son who literally brings delight to all of my days. That's who I was driving home to through that terrible rain. A family that is mine because God loves me so much and has freely given to me what I do not deserve.
Who am I to question the goodness of God? What a wake-up call-- all in the silence that consumed me in the midst of the deafening storm. "When did love become unmoving? When did love become unconsuming? Forgetting what the world has told me; Father of love, You can have me. You can have me."
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Thoughts on Stillness
Since my surgery on the 16th, my life has been drastically slower. Those who know me best know that I don't do well with sitting still or resting. Unfortunately, I feel an almost constant need to be accomplishing something. God has challenged me over this issue for years, and I'm sad to say that I still struggle to find those times of silence and solitude-- at least times that last longer than a few moments each day.
With the constant assistance with Cale and the doctors' mandate to rest, I've been forced into these times of quiet. Not surprisingly, I've found that as I became still and silent, God began to open my eyes to some thoughts that have challenged my view on some fundamental beliefs that I've held onto, albeit not always consciously. These are not profound theological thoughts and are seemingly shallow on a surface level. Yet, for the place I find myself right now, they're applicable to me. So, I thought that I would share just a couple of those thoughts briefly, just in case they might be applicable to you, too.
The first thought that God hit me with this week is that He actually doesn't desire for me to be happy. He desires for me to be holy. This isn't an original thought; I do realize that. But that didn't stop me from hearing it almost audibly a few nights ago. I've begged God for a change in certain life circumstances, and He has chosen not to change them. He doesn't need for me to feel good, be happy, or enjoy everything about my life. He desires me for the say "Hallelujah" (literally, Praise Yahweh) in spite of circumstances that I may not like, and may in fact sometimes despise.
The second thought that He's brought to my attention is that our sin breaks His heart much more than our pain does. I love to find comfort in the fact that God hurts when I am hurting, but He has shifted my attention to the fact that sometimes, just sometimes, He actually rejoices when I'm struggling because He KNOWS that my pain will result in repentance and refinement. Don't misunderstand me; I'm not saying that God is joyful over our pain. What I am saying is that our Holy God loves us so deeply and so passionately that He always desires what is BEST for us, not what will temporarily satisfy our human longings for things/places/people--you fill in the blank-- that we don't actually need. He has challenged my definition of "need" to my very core over the last year. Did I need a nursery for Cale? Obviously not because God didn't work that out. Do we need the privacy of our own home right now? Obviously not because God hasn't provided that either. As a new mom, I battled with God over our own space and a place to decorate for my little man. I didn't need those things, though! God has provided amazing friends and family who have freely opened their doors to us while we wait for our house in NC to sell. That's what we needed: a place to reside. We didn't need anything beyond that.
Our God has every detail of the entire universe planned. I cannot fathom the magnitude of how the details of my very existence play into the story that He has written for eternity. He doesn't need me, and yet He chooses to love me and use me for His glory. That's what He's been reminding me. I cannot begin to give articulate the details of all the other things that He is bringing to my attention, but I am thankful that He has allowed me this time to be still, silent, and rest in His grace-- even if I've fought Him at almost every turn. ;)
With the constant assistance with Cale and the doctors' mandate to rest, I've been forced into these times of quiet. Not surprisingly, I've found that as I became still and silent, God began to open my eyes to some thoughts that have challenged my view on some fundamental beliefs that I've held onto, albeit not always consciously. These are not profound theological thoughts and are seemingly shallow on a surface level. Yet, for the place I find myself right now, they're applicable to me. So, I thought that I would share just a couple of those thoughts briefly, just in case they might be applicable to you, too.
The first thought that God hit me with this week is that He actually doesn't desire for me to be happy. He desires for me to be holy. This isn't an original thought; I do realize that. But that didn't stop me from hearing it almost audibly a few nights ago. I've begged God for a change in certain life circumstances, and He has chosen not to change them. He doesn't need for me to feel good, be happy, or enjoy everything about my life. He desires me for the say "Hallelujah" (literally, Praise Yahweh) in spite of circumstances that I may not like, and may in fact sometimes despise.
The second thought that He's brought to my attention is that our sin breaks His heart much more than our pain does. I love to find comfort in the fact that God hurts when I am hurting, but He has shifted my attention to the fact that sometimes, just sometimes, He actually rejoices when I'm struggling because He KNOWS that my pain will result in repentance and refinement. Don't misunderstand me; I'm not saying that God is joyful over our pain. What I am saying is that our Holy God loves us so deeply and so passionately that He always desires what is BEST for us, not what will temporarily satisfy our human longings for things/places/people--you fill in the blank-- that we don't actually need. He has challenged my definition of "need" to my very core over the last year. Did I need a nursery for Cale? Obviously not because God didn't work that out. Do we need the privacy of our own home right now? Obviously not because God hasn't provided that either. As a new mom, I battled with God over our own space and a place to decorate for my little man. I didn't need those things, though! God has provided amazing friends and family who have freely opened their doors to us while we wait for our house in NC to sell. That's what we needed: a place to reside. We didn't need anything beyond that.
Our God has every detail of the entire universe planned. I cannot fathom the magnitude of how the details of my very existence play into the story that He has written for eternity. He doesn't need me, and yet He chooses to love me and use me for His glory. That's what He's been reminding me. I cannot begin to give articulate the details of all the other things that He is bringing to my attention, but I am thankful that He has allowed me this time to be still, silent, and rest in His grace-- even if I've fought Him at almost every turn. ;)
Sunday, September 19, 2010
The Recovery
I'm sure that most of you have already heard that my heart procedure went smoothly, and I'm home recovering now. Since we're staying at Jason's parents' second home in the middle of the woods, we don't have access to the internet apart from on our Palms. I have a few moments with a wi-fi connection, so I'm going to do my best to give you all a more detailed, but succint update!
Throughout my stay at MUSC, I dealt with some normal and some not-so-normal complications. We faced a rather long delay for the procedure based on an emergency situation coming in, and then I had a couple of bad reactions-- one to a medication, the other to procedure they had to do to follow-up after the surgery. As I dealt with a team of between 25 and 30 doctors and nurses, I was blessed to have numerous opportunities to either demonstrate a frayed, anxious and demanding patient, OR a loving, patient, and calm patient. I was amazed at how many of the nurses and doctors commented on my peaceful and patient nature throughout the stay. I actually questioned several of them on the matter, and they remarked that many patients are agitated and difficult to treat. I was thankful that God allowed me to stay calm and continue to trust Him during some rather iffy situations! He is always faithful to take care of our every need, and simultaneously provide opportunities to show His love to those who surround us.
As I now face a 2 week recovery period during which my activity is extremely limited, I again have to rely on my Father to help me. I am accustomed to constantly being on the go, taking care of Cale, cleaning, cooking, and just being active in general. Now, something as simple as a 10 minute walk leaves me dizzy and exhausted! I look forward to gaining strength and adjusting to my medications as the days pass. I will re-visit Charleston on November 3rd for my first follow-up appointment with my surgeon. We expect no complications to arise, but I am thankful for your continued prayers as my body learns to accept this "new part" of my heart!
Throughout my stay at MUSC, I dealt with some normal and some not-so-normal complications. We faced a rather long delay for the procedure based on an emergency situation coming in, and then I had a couple of bad reactions-- one to a medication, the other to procedure they had to do to follow-up after the surgery. As I dealt with a team of between 25 and 30 doctors and nurses, I was blessed to have numerous opportunities to either demonstrate a frayed, anxious and demanding patient, OR a loving, patient, and calm patient. I was amazed at how many of the nurses and doctors commented on my peaceful and patient nature throughout the stay. I actually questioned several of them on the matter, and they remarked that many patients are agitated and difficult to treat. I was thankful that God allowed me to stay calm and continue to trust Him during some rather iffy situations! He is always faithful to take care of our every need, and simultaneously provide opportunities to show His love to those who surround us.
As I now face a 2 week recovery period during which my activity is extremely limited, I again have to rely on my Father to help me. I am accustomed to constantly being on the go, taking care of Cale, cleaning, cooking, and just being active in general. Now, something as simple as a 10 minute walk leaves me dizzy and exhausted! I look forward to gaining strength and adjusting to my medications as the days pass. I will re-visit Charleston on November 3rd for my first follow-up appointment with my surgeon. We expect no complications to arise, but I am thankful for your continued prayers as my body learns to accept this "new part" of my heart!
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