Be Thou my Vision

I used to long for days of peace, days of ease. I used to think that perhaps God would allow us to have seasons of ease in order to balance out the seasons of such gut-wrenching hardships.  Instead, over the last several months, I've begun to recognize what I like to think of as His quiet grace. His quiet grace is always present, in the wonderful celebrations of life and in the times of doubt and defeat.  If my days were spent relishing in the delights of the world, I'd never even understand what grace is.  I've always known that God shows us grace, but when the world falls apart and it's all I have left to stand upon, I can feel this quiet grace radiating in my core. It's the burning strength that keeps me going when I want to lie down and give up. It's personal and it's tangible. It moves my soul to the throne of the only one who can help me.

Over the last year or so, I've truly struggled with hurt feelings towards the Lord. I haven't been angry with Him, but I've felt a little alone, a little rejected.  Without going into any kind of details, suffice it to say that life in the ministry can just be tough.  Life with two little boys at home with me every day can be tough (as all moms know!). Throw in a a myriad of other difficult situations that are personal and all of this after a losing my brother, and I became a mess. I became someone who I didn't even recognize in the depths of my being.  I still did everything that I knew I should do, but I began to withhold my heart from God. For many months, I felt that I would never feel whole again. I thought this tainted version of a life where I fought to get through every day would be my new norm.

I'm not sure what began to turn the tide in my heart, but I am so thankful for a God who pursues me every day with His goodness and mercy (Psalm 23:6). None of the circumstances have changed, but God has reminded me a little bit about what it means to feel wholly content in Him. He has blessed me with an incredible husband, parents, in-laws, friends, and precious boys who love on me day in and day out.

Tonight I received some disappointing news, and I was surprised by how quickly I felt that old chasm open again. So, I must dig in-- cling to Truth-- and stand firm.  I know that the next several weeks are going to be extremely draining emotionally as we celebrate Thanksgiving (the last time I saw my brother alive), his birthday, the anniversary of his death, and then go to trial against the man who murdered him (and still claims he is innocent, I might add).  These situations, these hurts are always going to be there below the surface.  I don't expect to ever not feel them. Yet, I can continue to walk with His quiet grace sustaining me.  I can allow Him to take my eyes off the temporary and place them on the eternal. I can know with all confidence that He loves me in my brokenness and He will be near to me when I feel crushed, but it's not His desire that I should remain there. It's His desire that I walk on and trust more and that when the next major blow comes, I can perhaps remain a little more steady on my feet as He holds my hand and walks me through it.

"Be Thou my vision, oh Lord of my heart. Naught be all else to me save that Thou art. Thou my best thought by day or by night, waking or sleeping Thy presence my light."

Intentional Friendships

Since Jason and I married relatively young in life, there was a time in the beginning of our marriage when we struggled to have friends with whom we could relate well. Most of our friends of similar age were unmarried and while we still enjoyed their friendship, there were many areas in which we could not relate.  During a difficult season in ministry, we both longed to have true friends with whom we could really share our hearts and souls.  We prayed for months, and then years to find “mentors” for ourselves— believers who were older than we were who could share spiritual wisdom and provide genuine fellowship outside of our church.

For me, God answered my prayer through my sweet friend Tina.  Tina was a member of the church where I grew up, and through my teenage years I spent some time with her family (she has a son who is slightly younger than I).  We had essentially lost contact after I got married and moved to Greenville, but God opened the doors for us to meet again at my parents’ 25^th wedding anniversary celebration back in 2007.  We randomly discussed how we were each taking vacation time after Christmas and when they asked us where we were going, we told them we weren’t sure  yet.  They invited us to join them on their adventure to Williamsburg, VA, and then on to the Outer Banks of NC.  Since we had never been to either place, we decided that it sounded like a wonderful idea and joined them for a week and a half vacation.

To make a long story short, that trip began a renewed friendship.  About a month after being at home, I called Tina to ask her to pray about becoming my mentor—simply a woman to speak truth into my life when I need it, pray for me, etc.  She called me a week or so later and told me that she although she didn’t consider herself to be the “mentor” type, she would love the opportunity to be my friend and my encourager, and promised to always speak wisdom into my life.  I had no idea at that time what an absolute treasure her friendship would become to me.

Since 2007, our families have vacationed together once or twice a year, every year. We go on amazing adventures, eat great good, play fun games, and just in general have an amazing time together. Sadly, those vacations are pretty much the only time I see Tina, since we live a couple of hours apart.  However, our phone conversations, the random cards we exchange, and the special occasions when we are able to meet up absolutely refresh my spirit.  Over the last several years, I have learned how rare it is to have a friend with whom you can be completely honest. All the time.  I can always count on her to offer wisdom and even correction when I need it.  She teaches me how to be a better wife, a better mother, and a better daughter. 

Tonight I had the opportunity to have a wonderful conversation with her, and I am just so thankful.  After months and months of sleep deprivation and a recent bout with a sinus infection that won’t give, piled up with several other stressful situations in life, I have been struggling to stay afloat and feel encouraged.  And, as those of you who have young children (or have had young children) know, when kiddos go to bed at 7 or 8 p.m., life can become a little monotonous as you sit at home every night. So, tonight, my hubby took care of the boys for several hours and allowed me some time out to drive, have some alone time, and spend an hour talking to my dear, dear friend.  What a blessing.

Now, most of you who are reading this probably have no desire to know this story about one of my precious friends. I share it, however, to share what I’ve learned about relationships.  Be intentional. Always be intentional.  Don’t wait for friends to seek you out. If you need someone to pour into your life, ask God to show you who that might be.  If you aren’t pouring into someone else’s life on a personal level, ask God to show you who that might be, too! I cannot tell you how much it means to me to have this lady in my life, along with several other faithful friends, and I am so, so thankful for the girls who are a little younger than I am who I am able to love on and encourage, too.  Relationships don’t just happen, and friendships that are full of drama and lacking in edification don’t really accomplish a whole lot.   So that’s it. If you have awesome friends in your life, praise God for them! Be intentional about your time with them. Build them up, encourage them constantly, and don’t forget to ask them how you can pray for them. You never know how much richer your life can be five years from now if you simply examine your friendships and boldly ask God to give you true friends!