Thoughts on Stillness

  Since my surgery on the 16th, my life has been drastically slower.  Those who know me best know that I don't do well with sitting still or resting.  Unfortunately, I feel an almost constant need to be accomplishing something.  God has challenged me over this issue for years, and I'm sad to say that I still struggle to find those times of silence and solitude-- at least times that last longer than a few moments each day.
  With the constant assistance with Cale and the doctors' mandate to rest, I've been forced into these times of quiet.  Not surprisingly, I've found that as I became still and silent, God began to open my eyes to some thoughts that have challenged my view on some fundamental beliefs that I've held onto, albeit not always consciously.  These are not profound theological thoughts and are seemingly shallow on a surface level.  Yet, for the place I find myself right now, they're applicable to me.  So, I thought that I would share just a couple of those thoughts briefly, just in case they might be applicable to you, too.
  The first thought that God hit me with this week is that He actually doesn't desire for me to be happy.  He desires for me to be holy.  This isn't an original thought; I do realize that.  But that didn't stop me from hearing it almost audibly a few nights ago.  I've begged God for a change in certain life circumstances, and He has chosen not to change them.  He doesn't need for me to feel good, be happy, or enjoy everything about my life.  He desires me for the say "Hallelujah" (literally, Praise Yahweh) in spite of circumstances that I may not like, and may in fact sometimes despise. 
  The second thought that He's brought to my attention is that our sin breaks His heart much more than our pain does.  I love to find comfort in the fact that God hurts when I am hurting, but He has shifted my attention to the fact that sometimes, just sometimes, He actually rejoices when I'm struggling because He KNOWS that my pain will result in repentance and refinement.  Don't misunderstand me; I'm not saying that God is joyful over our pain.  What I am saying is that our Holy God loves us so deeply and so passionately that He always desires what is BEST for us, not what will temporarily satisfy our human longings for things/places/people--you fill in the blank-- that we don't actually need.  He has challenged my definition of "need" to my very core over the last year.  Did I need a nursery for Cale? Obviously not because God didn't work that out.  Do we need the privacy of our own home right now? Obviously not because God hasn't provided that either.  As a new mom, I battled with God over our own space and a place to decorate for my little man.  I didn't need those things, though! God has provided amazing friends and family who have freely opened their doors to us while we wait for our house in NC to sell.  That's what we needed: a place to reside.  We didn't need anything beyond that. 
  Our God has every detail of the entire universe  planned. I cannot fathom the magnitude of how the details of my very existence play into the story that He has written for eternity.  He doesn't need me, and yet He chooses to love me and use me for His glory.  That's what He's been reminding me.  I cannot begin to give articulate the details of all the other things that He is bringing to my attention, but I am thankful that He has allowed me this time to be still, silent, and rest in His grace-- even if I've fought Him at almost every turn. ;)

The Recovery

  I'm sure that most of you have already heard that my heart procedure went smoothly, and I'm home recovering now.  Since we're staying at Jason's parents' second home in the middle of the woods, we don't have access to the internet apart from on our Palms.  I have a few moments with a wi-fi connection, so I'm going to do my best to give you all a more detailed, but succint update!
  Throughout my stay at MUSC, I dealt with some normal and some not-so-normal complications.  We faced a rather long delay for the procedure based on an emergency situation coming in, and then I had a couple of bad reactions-- one to a medication, the other to procedure they had to do to follow-up after the surgery.  As I dealt with a team of between 25 and 30 doctors and nurses, I was blessed to have numerous opportunities to either demonstrate a frayed, anxious and demanding patient, OR a loving, patient, and calm patient.  I was amazed at how many of the nurses and doctors commented on my peaceful and patient nature throughout the stay.  I actually questioned several of them on the matter, and they remarked that many patients are agitated and difficult to treat.  I was thankful that God allowed me to stay calm and continue to trust Him during some rather iffy situations! He is always faithful to take care of our every need, and simultaneously provide opportunities to show His love to those who surround us. 
  As I now face a 2 week recovery period during which my activity is extremely limited, I again have to rely on my Father to help me.  I am accustomed to constantly being on the go, taking care of Cale, cleaning, cooking, and just being active in general.  Now, something as simple as a 10 minute walk leaves me dizzy and exhausted! I look forward to gaining strength and adjusting to my medications as the days pass.  I will re-visit Charleston on November 3rd for my first follow-up appointment with my surgeon.  We expect no complications to arise, but I am thankful for your continued prayers as my body learns to accept this "new part" of my heart!

Blogging and Heart Surgery

I've spent the last several weeks thinking about the need to create a blog.  Unfortunately, I had NO idea how much time it would require to simply create the thing and make it look like I want it to! So, for now, I'm putting up a terribly uncreative version to provide a way to keep everyone up-to-date on my upcoming heart surgery! I'll customize as time allows over the coming weeks, but for now at least it will serve an informational purpose!
Tomorrow, (Thurs. Sept 16) Jason and I will head to MUSC for my appointment to have my ASD closed.  I've known about the Atrial Septal Defect since I was thirteen, and God has made it evident that it's time to have it closed! While the hole hasn't caused me too much trouble over the recent years, my pregnancy made the hole large enough to necessitate the closure procedure. I anticipate the surgery being a smooth procedure, hopefully with no complications and a quick recovery! The most difficult part for me will be the 2-week post-surgery "lifting restriction" that will not allow me to lift my little man, Cale.  I love spending my days playing with Cale, and it will be difficult for me to not be able to play with him as actively as I usually do. Thankfully, my mom and Jason's will switch off on shifts to assist us with Cale's every need!
My hope is that during the hours following surgery, I will be lucid enough to post to the blog and let everyone know how the procedure went and how recovery is progressing! I have been encouraged beyond measure over the last several weeks by the numerous calls, texts, FB messages, and cards from family and friends reminding me that they are praying for me! I truly appreciate every one of you! I know that the Lord has every detail of this surgery and recovery period planned, and I look forward to seeing what He teaches me through the experience, in spite of the difficulties that I may face.  God has continually used this heart defect over the last 12 years of my life to remind me to be constantly dependant on His grace, His strength, and His provision.  So, tomorrow will be no different. I will rely on Him to shelter me. 
I titled the blog "Abundant Skies" from a line in one of my favorite songs "Learning to Breathe" by Switchfoot.  The entire line reads "I'm dying to breathe in these abundant skies."  The Father is consistently working in my life to show me that He always has greater plans than I anticipate for myself.  Sometimes those plans include difficult situations, and I'm not afraid to admit that I frequently fight the desire to be refined.  Yet, I've found that if I simply trust Him, He will always show me how to breathe in the abundance of what He is doing.  It doesn't always seem like abundance to me; many times it feels more like trudging through a pit of deep mud that bogs me down.  BUT, He promises us abundant life, and when I view my circumstances through the lens of His purposes, I realize that an abundant life is exactly what He has given me.  This is all for His glory, and He will be made greater in my times of absolute weakness.
"Trust" as defined in the original Hebrew from Proverbs 3:5-6 ("Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding...") means to physically rely upon.  That's what tomorrow is all about for me. Physically relying upon the One who created me to make me a little more whole through this procedure! That's what we're trusting Him for, and I appreciate all of you who are joining with us in praying to that end!
I look forward to keeping you updated on how He answers!