Be Thou my Vision

I used to long for days of peace, days of ease. I used to think that perhaps God would allow us to have seasons of ease in order to balance out the seasons of such gut-wrenching hardships.  Instead, over the last several months, I've begun to recognize what I like to think of as His quiet grace. His quiet grace is always present, in the wonderful celebrations of life and in the times of doubt and defeat.  If my days were spent relishing in the delights of the world, I'd never even understand what grace is.  I've always known that God shows us grace, but when the world falls apart and it's all I have left to stand upon, I can feel this quiet grace radiating in my core. It's the burning strength that keeps me going when I want to lie down and give up. It's personal and it's tangible. It moves my soul to the throne of the only one who can help me.

Over the last year or so, I've truly struggled with hurt feelings towards the Lord. I haven't been angry with Him, but I've felt a little alone, a little rejected.  Without going into any kind of details, suffice it to say that life in the ministry can just be tough.  Life with two little boys at home with me every day can be tough (as all moms know!). Throw in a a myriad of other difficult situations that are personal and all of this after a losing my brother, and I became a mess. I became someone who I didn't even recognize in the depths of my being.  I still did everything that I knew I should do, but I began to withhold my heart from God. For many months, I felt that I would never feel whole again. I thought this tainted version of a life where I fought to get through every day would be my new norm.

I'm not sure what began to turn the tide in my heart, but I am so thankful for a God who pursues me every day with His goodness and mercy (Psalm 23:6). None of the circumstances have changed, but God has reminded me a little bit about what it means to feel wholly content in Him. He has blessed me with an incredible husband, parents, in-laws, friends, and precious boys who love on me day in and day out.

Tonight I received some disappointing news, and I was surprised by how quickly I felt that old chasm open again. So, I must dig in-- cling to Truth-- and stand firm.  I know that the next several weeks are going to be extremely draining emotionally as we celebrate Thanksgiving (the last time I saw my brother alive), his birthday, the anniversary of his death, and then go to trial against the man who murdered him (and still claims he is innocent, I might add).  These situations, these hurts are always going to be there below the surface.  I don't expect to ever not feel them. Yet, I can continue to walk with His quiet grace sustaining me.  I can allow Him to take my eyes off the temporary and place them on the eternal. I can know with all confidence that He loves me in my brokenness and He will be near to me when I feel crushed, but it's not His desire that I should remain there. It's His desire that I walk on and trust more and that when the next major blow comes, I can perhaps remain a little more steady on my feet as He holds my hand and walks me through it.

"Be Thou my vision, oh Lord of my heart. Naught be all else to me save that Thou art. Thou my best thought by day or by night, waking or sleeping Thy presence my light."

Intentional Friendships

Since Jason and I married relatively young in life, there was a time in the beginning of our marriage when we struggled to have friends with whom we could relate well. Most of our friends of similar age were unmarried and while we still enjoyed their friendship, there were many areas in which we could not relate.  During a difficult season in ministry, we both longed to have true friends with whom we could really share our hearts and souls.  We prayed for months, and then years to find “mentors” for ourselves— believers who were older than we were who could share spiritual wisdom and provide genuine fellowship outside of our church.

For me, God answered my prayer through my sweet friend Tina.  Tina was a member of the church where I grew up, and through my teenage years I spent some time with her family (she has a son who is slightly younger than I).  We had essentially lost contact after I got married and moved to Greenville, but God opened the doors for us to meet again at my parents’ 25^th wedding anniversary celebration back in 2007.  We randomly discussed how we were each taking vacation time after Christmas and when they asked us where we were going, we told them we weren’t sure  yet.  They invited us to join them on their adventure to Williamsburg, VA, and then on to the Outer Banks of NC.  Since we had never been to either place, we decided that it sounded like a wonderful idea and joined them for a week and a half vacation.

To make a long story short, that trip began a renewed friendship.  About a month after being at home, I called Tina to ask her to pray about becoming my mentor—simply a woman to speak truth into my life when I need it, pray for me, etc.  She called me a week or so later and told me that she although she didn’t consider herself to be the “mentor” type, she would love the opportunity to be my friend and my encourager, and promised to always speak wisdom into my life.  I had no idea at that time what an absolute treasure her friendship would become to me.

Since 2007, our families have vacationed together once or twice a year, every year. We go on amazing adventures, eat great good, play fun games, and just in general have an amazing time together. Sadly, those vacations are pretty much the only time I see Tina, since we live a couple of hours apart.  However, our phone conversations, the random cards we exchange, and the special occasions when we are able to meet up absolutely refresh my spirit.  Over the last several years, I have learned how rare it is to have a friend with whom you can be completely honest. All the time.  I can always count on her to offer wisdom and even correction when I need it.  She teaches me how to be a better wife, a better mother, and a better daughter. 

Tonight I had the opportunity to have a wonderful conversation with her, and I am just so thankful.  After months and months of sleep deprivation and a recent bout with a sinus infection that won’t give, piled up with several other stressful situations in life, I have been struggling to stay afloat and feel encouraged.  And, as those of you who have young children (or have had young children) know, when kiddos go to bed at 7 or 8 p.m., life can become a little monotonous as you sit at home every night. So, tonight, my hubby took care of the boys for several hours and allowed me some time out to drive, have some alone time, and spend an hour talking to my dear, dear friend.  What a blessing.

Now, most of you who are reading this probably have no desire to know this story about one of my precious friends. I share it, however, to share what I’ve learned about relationships.  Be intentional. Always be intentional.  Don’t wait for friends to seek you out. If you need someone to pour into your life, ask God to show you who that might be.  If you aren’t pouring into someone else’s life on a personal level, ask God to show you who that might be, too! I cannot tell you how much it means to me to have this lady in my life, along with several other faithful friends, and I am so, so thankful for the girls who are a little younger than I am who I am able to love on and encourage, too.  Relationships don’t just happen, and friendships that are full of drama and lacking in edification don’t really accomplish a whole lot.   So that’s it. If you have awesome friends in your life, praise God for them! Be intentional about your time with them. Build them up, encourage them constantly, and don’t forget to ask them how you can pray for them. You never know how much richer your life can be five years from now if you simply examine your friendships and boldly ask God to give you true friends!

Cale

My darling Cale,

            You aren’t old enough to read this yet, but I hope that one day you will stumble upon it and understand just a tiny part of what you mean to me.   Three years ago on this very day, God brought you into this world and into our lives.  Your smile, your beautiful eyes, and your laughter—your precious, precious laughter—have been blessing me every day since.  Your curiosity and adventurous spirit provide us with some interesting moments and days, but I wouldn’t trade them for anything.  You are a treasure. 

            I will never forget looking at the last doctor who told me I would never have children and saying, “Well, I guess if God wants me to have children, I will.”  We were so thankful when we learned that you were on the way.  We chose your name because of God’s goodness to us:  Cale (“one who is manly and strong”) and Jackson (“God is gracious”). It is our prayer that you will grow to be strong in the Lord.  God has shown me such a beautiful, unrelenting grace since He blessed me with you, baby.  There have been so many days in your short three years that I would have wanted to give up the fight, but the Lord reminded me of His goodness through you over and over again.  Though the years have been full of challenges, betrayals, moves (6 to date), and great loss, they have also been full of countless moments of absolute joy. 

            Cale, each night when we bow with you and pray at your bed, it isn’t so that we can feel good about a routine or checking something off the “to-do” list.  It is because we beseech our Father every single day to win your heart, to teach you what it means to be upright and blameless before Him, to take only paths that are firm, and to guard your heart above all else.  He is the wellspring of life.  That you would understand that is single-handedly the matter of greatest importance in our lives.  We love you because He loves us.  We only even understand love because of His great love for us.  Oh, Cale, I cannot wait for the day when you come to know Him personally, too.

            As we watch you grow and learn, we rejoice in who He has created you to be.  From your silly phrases (“You are killing me!” “I love you most!” “What in the world?”) to your made-up songs, you are a joy to watch.  Your bear hugs and your “mama kisses” and “daddy kisses” make our days.  Thank you for being you, sweet boy.  I cannot wait to see what story He has written for your life.     

Love,

Mama

Precious Time

     After taking a 6-month hiatus from writing, I've decided to take a few moments tonight to give credit where credit is due for all that has been happening in our lives.  We are so overwhelmed with God's goodness to us.  As we look back over the last year and the depths of betrayal, pain, and loss that we faced, we are continually thankful for the abundant ways that God has provided for us in every way-- through the deep love of family and friends, financially, and even through bringing us back to the mountains of Hendersonville to a wonderful church whom we already love. I literally drive down the roads here praising Him for the ability to live in such a beautiful place again.
     As I write this, my eyes are literally filled with tears of gratitude to my God.  I haven't had the heart to write for some time now; not because I have not wanted to, but simply because words cannot do justice to the experiences of daily life and the riches that have been poured out upon us.  Not a day passes that I don't think of Ryan and wish for one more conversation, one more hug.  Yet, as I think of him now, my heart is lighter and I am grateful to know that he is whole. Grief is a lasting burden, but I'm beginning to learn how to lay it down. I realize how precious life is and how fleeting it is.  I have learned that many things in life can wait, but pouring out my love into those around me cannot.  My husband, my boys, my parents, my brother and sister-in law, all of my family and Jason's family-- these are people with whom God has blessed me.  I have the unique opportunity to love each of them in a way that only I can.  My call as His child is to love, love, and love some more.  Even when the toys are scattered everywhere and the laundry is piling up.  Even when I am tired and don't feel like playing cars again or cooking a meal or letting the "tickle spider" crawl up Cale's back for the millionth time. These moments are precious. I do not know that I will have the opportunity tomorrow to do what God has given me the opportunity to do now.  So, I strive to be intentional: my attitude, my words, my actions-- they all matter. I want to be a woman of grace: a woman who lives in the constant awareness of God's goodness to me. I am so undeserving.
     Jason has written a blog over the last year with some of the finer details of ways that God has answered prayers in major ways-- how through utter devestation He has brought goodness and light into our lives.  When he publishes it, I'll post a link to it as well. I hope that you'll read it-- regardless of your belief or lack thereof in God. It's our story; a raw look at our personal history and the triumph of the Lord.

Update time: Selling Houses and having babies!

Tonight, I can't help but be overwhelmed by the love I feel for my husband and my two boys.  As I sit here preparing for bed, I just keep thinking about that precious little boy who is sleeping in his bed and how he blew me kiss after kiss as I left his room for bedtime tonight. Regardless of how difficult a day has been or how many temper tantrums we've faced, I just have an overwhelming joy in my heart as I think about what a blessing that boy is.
Children are a blessing from the Lord. There is no doubt about it! I cannot wait to meet Oliver and discover what a precious gift he is, too.
I am so thankful for these boys and for the husband who continually loves and encourages me-- even when I am at my tiredest (and crankiest!) ever.

Just a brief update on the happenings in the Kittrell house:

We're packing and moving! We're closing on our house this coming Thursday (the 26th).  Praise God for selling it within 2 months of being listed! It is so apparent that God is providing for us and taking care of us every step of the way! We're moving to a house out in the country that will allow us to stay close enough for Jason to continue his role as Interim Pastor at New Hope! We'll stay there faithfully (and happily) until God shows us where to head full-time!

Oliver's scheduled arrival is 7:30 a.m. on May 11th! He is growing well and doing perfectly as far as we know. The pregnancy is continually harder, but I know that God will carry me faithfully until the time for Oliver to come, whenever that might be. I won't object if it's a little earlier than the 11th. ;)

Cale is thrilled about becoming a big brother.  He rubbed my belly today and told me that he misses "Ollie." I asked him how he could miss him when he hasn't met him yet, but I think it's just his way of saying he's ready to meet him! I told him that Oliver would come to meet us in a few weeks, and he giggled his sweet giddy laugh that lets us know he's really excited about something! He helped me sort through Oliver's clothes yesterday and remarked, "Ohh, cute!" about an outfit covered in firetrucks and race cars. Haha. The things he comes up with these days simply make me laugh!

So, that's just a brief update on where we are and what's to come! We don't know what tomorrow holds, but we continue to trust!

A quick Update on the Kittrells

For those near and far who continually pray for us, I want to take a few moments to share with you about some of the things going on in the life of the Kittrells!

On the job front, Jason became Interim Pastor at New Hope Baptist Church in Pelion, SC, this past Sunday. We've been with them since January, but it's official now that we'll be there until we move for a full-time position or they find a permanent pastor! We have been incredibly blessed to be part of the friendly congregation there, and Jason has loved preaching twice every Sunday and now on Wednesdays. God has definitely used this time and this opportunity to stretch us in ministry that we had yet to experience. We are so thankful for the loving encouragement of the people at New Hope. They have embraced us with such sweet acceptance, and they love us as their own!

On the house front, we officially put our Lexington home on the market about 3-4 weeks ago. We have had quite a few showings, and we are expectantly looking forward to God answering our prayers for a sell with the right timing to coincide with an official job move. We are so grateful for those who have poured out numerous hours to help us during the process of preparing the house to be "market-ready!"

On the pregnancy front, I have continued to deal with some minor complications.  Baby boy is healthy, though, and still scheduled to arrive on May 11 (C-Section) if he doesn't come earlier! I did find out today that I will be on antibiotics for the remainder of the pregnancy due to an infection that will not relent and could cause danger to the baby without antibiotics preventing it! While the thought of that bothers me, I know that I have to do what is necessary to keep baby healthy! We have still yet to officially decide upon a name, but we'll let everyone know when we do! (Though, please remember with Cale that didn't happen until we were in the OR!)

Cale continues to bless us each day with his precious personality. He is talking constantly and usually amazes us on a daily basis with something random he says. We have been so incredibly blessed by the time that we've had as a family over the last 4 months. Though many may see it as a time of trial and difficulty (and it admittedly has been in numerous ways), we are choosing to be thankful for the time. Quality time is not something that we can re-capture once the opportunity has passed. So we are thankful-- for every moment.

As for my family, we appreciate your ongoing prayers as we muddle through the waters of grief. As those of you know who have lost loved ones, it is simply a long, long journey. While I find the basics of life a little easier now, there are still moments (and days, even) of heavy grief, of wishing that he could simply return to us. This is all a natural part of grieving, and we are thankful for the love and support that so many have shown.  The hard part isn't over, though, especially not for my parents and even my older brother, for whom the loss is indeed realized on a daily basis, over and over again, since they were with him all the time.

We are sincerely grateful for the walls of prayer that have surrounded us over the last 4 months. To say "thank you" doesn't come close to sufficing for how we feel. Our God has sustained us and sustains us still. We are blessed.

In honor of my Hubby

Over the past 7.5 years, I've learned and observed many things about marriage.  Sadly, one of the most obvious observations has been that in our society, it's far more common for spouses to denounce one another, both in private and in public, rather than support and encourage one another.  When Jason and I married in October of 2004, I made a commitment of sorts to myself and to the Lord, to honor my husband with my lips. It is truly the desire of my heart to encourage him and build him up, whether I am speaking to him or about him to someone else.  I'm certainly not perfect at this, but I do strive on a daily basis to continually work to be better! If you're married, you know the value of words and how much they can strengthen or damage your marriage! So, in light of that and the fact that today is Jason's 30th birthday, I'd like to publicly share just a few things that I am so incredibly thankful for about my husband! Feel free to read them or not! This is simply a way for me to honor my best friend, my teammate.

- He loves the Lord above all else.
-His love for me is second only to his love for the Lord.
-He is an admirable, loving, patient, and encouraging father to Cale, and Cale demonstrates how much he understands that by his deep love for "Daddy." 
-He continually supports me and listens to me. If I approach him with something that's heavy upon my heart, he always listens, and always acts to help me in the ways that I request help.
-He is committed to purity. He diverts his eyes whenever we come in contact with a lady who isn't appropriately covered-- whether in person, on a movie, or in an advertisement. He has never used the excuse that it's "just a man thing to look." He honors me with his eyes, and I couldn't be more thankful.
-He constantly reminds me that he thinks I'm beautiful (even with a giant baby belly!).
-He has a deep, constant joy that I don't find in myself or in many others. He constantly sings and whistles. He trusts the Lord during the most difficult times.
-He works to let the Lord teach him more and more about the things he's passionate about-- marriage, fatherhood, ministry, etc. by studying God's Word, reading books by godly men, and by seeking out the counsel of older, godly men.
-His love for others consistently inspires me to love more deeply.
- He doesn't raise his voice to me. We decided before we married that we would always try to communicate calmly and with grace, and I am thankful to say that this has held true for 7.5 years-- even through stressful life situations and difficult trials.  Not only are words important, but so is the tone in which they are shared.  Jason always strives to honor me in this way.  It really is possible to discuss things on which we don't agree without becoming angry and using harsh words or tones.  If we don't feel like it's possible at the moment something angers us, we've learned to wait until we can discuss it calmly.  This prevents us both from saying words that we later regret. Now, there have certainly been times of failure in this area, but we make it our goal to fight for each other, not against each other.
-He leads our family in ways that honor God, even if it's not the easy way (and it usually isn't!)

These are just a few of the things that I treasure the most about you, Babe! There are countless more. I am so blessed to have you as the one with whom to share my life! Happy Birthday! I hope it's a day of miracles for you.

Love,
Wifey