Today, Jason and I were blessed to spend the afternoon at Riverbanks Zoo here in Columbia with Cale. We bought a season pass last month, so we're making the most of it and going as often as possible! Since Cale has been a couple of times in the last month, instead of looking at animals today, he mostly wanted to run everywhere-- really fast-- not at all concerned with who or what was around him. We spent the afternoon chasing him around the zoo, laughing at his priceless giggle, and just enjoying being a family. He did pause long enough to laugh at the gorilla eating plants, to wrinkle up his nose and make ugly faces at the stinky elephants, and to study a crowned crane very seriously for a minute or two. Cale brings us so much joy; he's definitely living proof of God's graciousness to us (hence his middle name Jackson, meaning "God is gracious").
The last week has been full of interesting moments: the ones that cause me to really stop and ponder the deeper things of life, the ones that make me so keenly aware of God's hand at work. These moments have mostly been unpleasant ones, and yet they have not been void of God's grace. Tonight, as I drove home from running an errand, it occurred to me just how differently I view life today than I did a year ago. Without going into any extravagant details, it suffices to say that a year ago, I was pretty devastated over several of our life circumstances. Jason and I were disheartened about some things that had been part of our journey, and while he was handling things quite well emotionally given those circumstances, I was falling apart. I was on the verge of a complete break down, and I had no idea how to find the way out. I cried out to God daily, but I was so completely entrenched in darkness that I just couldn't find my foothold. I remember crying all of the time and telling Jason that I didn't know if I could ever be "whole" again. My faith in God hadn't changed, but I was so deeply wounded that I just couldn't imagine what healing would feel like.
Now, most of you who know me know that I'm quite independent and don't really enjoy listening to advice. Thankfully, Jason (as those of you who know him know) is even more stubborn than I am! Ha. God used Jason's insistence to push me into counseling with an awesome biblical counselor who began to help me find my footing again. I didn't meet with her for too long, but it was the beginning of the healing process.
To shorten a long story, tonight I realized that I am definitely whole again. I am wholly Lauren, daughter of God, wife of Jason, mommy of Cale. The most amazing part of the journey over the last year is that NONE of our circumstances have changed! All of the things that I thought I needed to happen in order for me to be okay again-- none of them have happened. Yet, God has diligently worked on me, day after day. He has patiently loved on me and taught me what it really means to follow! I don't feel the need to figure out "who I am" anymore; I don't have the desire to know what His long-term plan for my life is. I'm simply content. I'm delighting in his love, I'm delighting in my husband, and in my little boy.
Honestly, I couldn't have imagined being so content. He's completely changed everything-- all without changing a thing. So, I can rest in the peace of knowing that He is continually sovereign and loving, and I can without any doubt know that I BELIEVE that circumstances do not dictate who my God is. Whew. Took me a while to get here.. and I know that next week, even tomorrow, may bring circumstances that again challenge me and set me back, but I know that He will keep loving me and keep pursuing me with whispers of beckoning.
