For the majority of my life, I've held onto the belief that finding my identity was important. Throughout the years of growth, I found my identity in various things: excelling in school, making good "moral" choices, even being a believer in Christ. I found my identity in my home, my family, my job, my role in the church, and even in using my gifts.
On the surface, there doesn't appear to be anything wrong with finding one's identity, as long as you ultimately learn to find it in the right place, right? We're taught from an early age that since God created us uniquely as individuals, we should strive to figure out all of those details about ourselves in order to use them for His glory. Sadly, what I've found is that it's so easy to figure those things out about ourselves and then assume that those things are actually for our own glory. I don't even mean in blatant ways; I can honestly say that most of the time I "feel" like I'm using God's gifts for His glory and kingdom. The reality, however, is that when one of those things is taken from me, I find out who I was really worried about: me.
I could list several examples of how this has happened at different times in my life, but the latest has been so real that I can't pass up the opportunity to be transparent and share it. Being transparent doesn't come easily for me, so bear with me.
I've been incredibly blessed to serve in ministry positions since the age of 16. I graduated from high school at 16 and immediately took a job with the South Carolina Baptist Convention as a summer missionary. I began college at North Greenville University that fall and worked in the Campus Ministry office-- just as a work study assistant for the year. Then, I joined Concord Baptist in Anderson, SC that summer as a Youth and Children's intern. I stayed on through the fall while they hired a new youth minister, and I joined them again the next summer as an intern again. By the time I finished my degree at NGU, Jason and I were married and serving together in a church in Greenville, SC.
While the "ministry position" was no longer mine by title after Jason and I got married, I still served by his side. I attended every event, helped him in planning, spent time with girls at our house, hosted events, attended women's Bible studies, etc. My life was absolutely full of ministry. We moved to Tryon, NC and began serving in a church in Hendersonville, NC a couple of years later. During our time there, I taught at the church's school and continued to passionately serve by Jason's side. I absolutely LOVED doing ministry- not because it's easy or even fun all the time, but because it's such a blessing to see God's hands at work every single day, in spite of the numerous difficulties.
In October of 2009, God moved us to Lexington, SC to serve at Lake Murray. Jason's first Sunday was actually November 1st, and we jumped right in! I tried to spend time getting to know students and adults, but I was 8 months pregnant, and socializing wasn't the easiest thing in the world. I went into pre-term labor 3 times before actually having Cale on December 1st of that year. My social life and my extra involvement in the church and "ministry" pretty much ceased to exist as I adjusted to motherhood.
Now, nearly 16 months later, I'm finding my way back into "ministry." Cale's a little older now, and it's easier to spend time teaching Bible studies, attending Bible studies, and just being involved in activities in general. These 16 months have been a tremendous struggle for me, though, and for all of the wrong reasons. God has really shown me just how much I care about people's perception of me. By coming into a new church and having a baby 4 weeks later, most of the people there didn't get to know me at all. It's easy for me to be "the youth minister's wife who nobody ever sees." Between my own sickness and Cale's numerous ear infections over the last year, there have been times that a few weeks could go by without me being able to attend church. While I was still worshipping in my day to day life, downloading our pastor's sermons and others online, and spending time in God's Word, I became really discouraged because I worried about what people thought about me for not being at church.
As I find my way back into an easier schedule, God continually reminds me that I need to check my motives and my heart. Am I worried about what people think? Sometimes, I still am. Yet, God is showing me that in the things that matter for eternity, it's not what any other person thinks or feels about me. It's about completely losing myself for the sake of His kingdom. For so long, I found my identity in doing ministry. I've known since the age of 15 that it is my calling, but that doesn't make it my identity. I've come to believe that as we mature in Christ, He takes us from the point of feeling insecure and having low self-esteem, to the point of having confidence in who He created us to be, to the point of finally grasping the fact that it doesn't even matter "who I am." It's all about Him! When I finally get to the point that every breath and every decision is about what He wants for me and not about what I want for me, then maybe I'll quit trying to find my identity in the things of the world-- or even the things that appear to be of Him and are actually still all about how they make me feel.
I want to be only who He wants me to be. I'm not there; I'm so far from it. But that's who I want to be. I want to love and serve and pour myself out, and not even stop to think about the fact that I'm doing it. He is so worthy of that.
"On Fire"
They tell you where you need to go
They tell you when you'll need to leave
They tell you what you need to know
They tell you who you need to be
But everything inside you knows
There's more than what you've heard
There's so much more than empty conversations
Filled with empty words
And you're on fire
When He's near you
You're on fire
When He speaks
You're on fire
Burning at these mysteries
Give me one more time around
Give me one more chance to see
Give me everything You are
Give me one more chance to be... (near You)
Cause everything inside me looks like
Everything I hate
You are the hope I have for change
You are the only chance I'll take
When I'm on fire
When You're near me
I'm on fire
When You speak
And I'm on fire
Burning at these mysteries
These mysteries...
I'm standing on the edge of me [x3]
I'm standing on the edge of everything I've never been before.
And I've been standing on the edge of me
Standing on the edge
And I'm on fire
When You're near me
I'm on fire
When You speak
(Yea) I'm on fire
Burning at these mysteries... these mysteries... these mysteries
Ah you're the mystery
You're the mystery.
