On December 10th, I woke up to a phone call that changed my world. When I realized that my dad had been trying to call since 4:30 in the morning, I knew immediately that something was wrong, but I never imagined the magnitude of what he had to tell me that day. When he told me that my younger brother Ryan (age 24) had been killed in a car accident, I didn't fully understand what he was saying. I remember asking, "My brother, Ryan?" thinking surely I was mistaken. I remember asking to speak to my mom, but my brain seemed to kind of shut down. I started to hyperventilate, and I remember telling her I needed to go wake Jason up, that I needed to go breathe. Breathe. By the time I made it to Jason, I don't even know what I said. I know that he jumped up to hold me, and I know that I would have hit the floor had he not been there. The rest of the morning was a blur of trying to pack and get to the Upstate, and my brain simply seemed to be frozen. I couldn't remember what day of the week it was or what I needed to pack for the trip. It was as if everything inside of me just stopped, though I knew I had to keep moving, keep breathing.
Two weeks have passed since that early Saturday morning. I can't even begin to recount the number of times I've had to repeat to myself "Just breathe," over those two weeks. There are moments when I'm busy with Cale or watching a show or movie when I fall numb again, but the moments of numbness are becoming increasingly rare. The moments of the reality of the loss are becoming increasingly frequent. The shock is beginning to fade, and I'm left with the hole that seems completely overwhelming. A permanent hole in my family. A brother who adored my son, and my son will never even remember him. My 2nd child will never even meet him. A brother who still called me "Sissy." A brother who, from all human standpoints, should be here with us celebrating Christmas this year.
I'm learning a lot about grieving-- the process that takes much longer than any of us would like to believe. I'm learning that although my faith in the Lord has not been shaken (indeed, I have known His grace more fully than ever before over the last two weeks), it's still okay to cry. It's still okay to be broken. It's still okay to feel as though I might just fall apart. God's big enough to handle all of our brokenness combined. It's fully permissible to admit that none of this feels "okay" right now. Nothing about having a drunk driver (who, for the record, already had 2 DUIs this year) murder your baby brother is okay. It simply isn't.
And yet. There is a yet. I know, that with time, God will heal these wounds. I know that we won't ever feel like our family is whole again; I'm not that naive. I know that it's quite possible that next December 10th will be just as hard as this past one was. But I know that it's not hard for Ryan. He's no longer bound by time, no longer chained by human pain, sadness, or weakness of any type. Instead, he's kind of the lucky one among us, the one who will celebrate Christmas at Home this year. That's the only joy that keeps us going, that keeps us moving through each day-- even the days that pass so very slowly.
I'm falling apart.
I'm barely breathing.
With a broken heart
that's still beating.
In the pain,
there is healing.
In Your name,
I find meaning.
That's an excerpt from a Lifehouse song called "Broken." It seems to play on repeat in my mind these days. I'm pretty good at being tough on the outside, but the inside is pretty broken right now. I'm not afraid to admit that. I'm holding on, but sometimes my grip isn't all that great. The good news is that my Father's grip is unrelenting. He hasn't let us go.
I write all of this tonight, not to sadden anyone on Christmas Eve, but to simply share that even in the midst of deep, deep pain, there is Hope. We have hope because of what we celebrate each Christmas-- the birth of the One who gives us peace, who redeems our sin, who promises us a future. I have to be honest-- I wouldn't have chosen the way the last couple of months have panned out. I wouldn't have chosen for Jason to lose his job, to have a seriously difficult and complicated pregnancy, and to lose my brother. But, I do choose to continue to follow the Lord who knew every detail of all of this ahead of time and still allowed us to endure it. I know that His love is fierce; I know that I can trust Him to give us brighter days.
"I'm holding on another day, just to see what You will throw my way. I'm holding on to what You said. You said that I will be okay."
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Friday, November 18, 2011
The Love of God
Just wanted to post the lyrics to a song that's been incredibly encouraging to me over the last few days. God has undoubtedly shown me the reality of His love in a more tangible way during the hardest times of my life. This song, written by a man who wasn't unfamiliar with suffering, expresses that well.
About six months ago, my mentor challenged me about my thoughts on the goodness of God. At the time, I was struggling through a specific battle, and though I knew in my head that God is good regardless of circumstances, when I really confronted my heart, I realized that even though I believed in God's complete goodness, I sometimes wondered if "goodness" to us as individuals may be sacrificed for the greater good. In other words, I wondered if what was happening to me was really for my best.
To be perfectly honest, it took me several months of serious self-evaulation and meditating on Scripture to know beyond all doubt that I was to the point of confidence in God's goodness.
And so, with no doubt, I can write today that my God is completely and wholly good, in times of abundance and in times of want. We are so thankful for the outpouring of love and encouragement for our family over the last couple of weeks, and we are continually trusting God to direct our steps! Here's the song:
"The Love of God"-- Rich Mullins
There's a wideness in God's mercy
I cannot find in my own
And He keeps His fire burning
To melt this heart of stone
Keeps me aching with a yearning
Keeps me glad to have been caught
In the reckless raging fury
That they call the love of God
Now I've seen no band of angels
But I've heard the soldiers' songs
Love hangs over them like a banner
Love within them leads them on
To the battle on the journey
And it's never gonna stop
Ever widening their mercies
And the fury of His love
Oh the love of God
Lyrics www.allthelyrics.com/lyrics/rich_mullins/
And oh the love of God
The love of God
Joy and sorrow are this ocean
And in their every ebb and flow
Now the Lord a door has opened
That all Hell could never close
Here I'm tested and made worthy
Tossed about but lifted up
In the reckless raging fury
That they call the love of God
About six months ago, my mentor challenged me about my thoughts on the goodness of God. At the time, I was struggling through a specific battle, and though I knew in my head that God is good regardless of circumstances, when I really confronted my heart, I realized that even though I believed in God's complete goodness, I sometimes wondered if "goodness" to us as individuals may be sacrificed for the greater good. In other words, I wondered if what was happening to me was really for my best.
To be perfectly honest, it took me several months of serious self-evaulation and meditating on Scripture to know beyond all doubt that I was to the point of confidence in God's goodness.
And so, with no doubt, I can write today that my God is completely and wholly good, in times of abundance and in times of want. We are so thankful for the outpouring of love and encouragement for our family over the last couple of weeks, and we are continually trusting God to direct our steps! Here's the song:
"The Love of God"-- Rich Mullins
There's a wideness in God's mercy
I cannot find in my own
And He keeps His fire burning
To melt this heart of stone
Keeps me aching with a yearning
Keeps me glad to have been caught
In the reckless raging fury
That they call the love of God
Now I've seen no band of angels
But I've heard the soldiers' songs
Love hangs over them like a banner
Love within them leads them on
To the battle on the journey
And it's never gonna stop
Ever widening their mercies
And the fury of His love
Oh the love of God
Lyrics www.allthelyrics.com/lyrics/rich_mullins/
And oh the love of God
The love of God
Joy and sorrow are this ocean
And in their every ebb and flow
Now the Lord a door has opened
That all Hell could never close
Here I'm tested and made worthy
Tossed about but lifted up
In the reckless raging fury
That they call the love of God
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Walking Away
In recent months, I've been sad to hear stories of and speak to some friends who have chosen to walk away from their faith for various reasons. Some were "enlightened" by others who they deem intellectually superior and thus decided that they must have been naive to believe in this so called faith in Jesus. Others, simply walked away due to life circumstances that didn't add up to support a theory of believing in a "good God who wouldn't do this or allow this if He loved me." Still others walked away after watching others who claim to be believers live lives that so blatantly do not attest to walking with a Savior.
Regardless of the reasons for which these individuals have chosen to walk away from their faith, my heart breaks over the victory that has been handed to the prince of light. It may be hard to believe, but there are actually intellectual Christians out there who know why we believe what we believe, who can defend the Truth tooth and nail over the lies that society feeds us. There are some of us who, though we continually mess up, cling to forgivness and grace and long to live like Christ, ever-changing, ever-loving more. There are some of us who don't want to argue over facts but who would LOVE to sit down and have a loving, patient conversation with someone struggling about why we have NO doubt that our faith is grounded in the one and only Truth that exists to guide our world.
When I was in college, I became passionate about learning why I believe what I believe. I do not believe what I believe because someone told me to do it. I don't do it to make myself feel better or to improve my view of the world. In fact, how could comparing myself with a holy God possibly make me feel good? When I see my own sinfulness in comparison with His holiness, I certainly don't feel good about it. I feel humbled. I feel loved. I know with certainty that I don't deserve His grace. My faith is not a made-up paradigm of thought which I choose to operate from because of how it makes me feel. My faith is an active pursuit of the God of the universe because I have studied the facts. I have examined the evidence. I know that science supports Creation, not evolution. I know that evolution is in fact a scientic impossibility. I also know that in the darkest of struggles and the deepest of hurts, my God is there. I have not created a sentimental, gushy God who rushes to my every whim or with whom I can be angry every time something doesn't go my way. I long to understand more and more every day about who God really is. I long to study Scripture for what it really says, to understand the Hebrew and the Greek, to not take verses out of context to make them fit my personal agenda. I know that beyond any doubt, the Bible is the most well-documented book in all of history. I know that is has stood the test of time, that we have more original manuscripts of Scripture than we do for some of the very history books that everyone accepts as "fact" in our education system.
I write all of this to encourage believers and non-believers alike: study the facts of why you believe what you believe. It takes a lot more faith to believe in an evolutionary process that randomly put us on this earth than it takes to understand the Creator who lovingly made us and desires to know us. I will never cram my faith down someone's throat, but I will pray that your eyes will be open to truth. I will continually pray that God will give believers the desire to study apologetics, to choose to not be ignorant to the facts of our faith. In the same way, I'll pray for non-believers to not be ignorant to the same facts and to not get lost in fruitless arguments about why they believe Scripture is contradictory (it isn't, by the way. When you've studied the Greek and Hebrew, you'll understand that) or about how a good God could never do whatever it is they've struggled with. God is holy. He is set apart from us. Hell doesn't exist because God is mean; hell exists because our sinfulness cannot exist in the presence of His holiness. That's why He offers us forgiveness through the grace of His Son, Jesus.
My heart breaks over those walking away. I know that life isn't pretty, and I know that sometimes it's easy to feel forgotten. But I also know that God can handle my questions, and He can handle my fears. When I examine everything around me, there's no way that I could ever doubt my faith in Him. He's the only reason my heart continues to beat.
If you read this and have any questions as to what evidence I have for my faith, please ask me and I'll be more than happy to share. :)
Regardless of the reasons for which these individuals have chosen to walk away from their faith, my heart breaks over the victory that has been handed to the prince of light. It may be hard to believe, but there are actually intellectual Christians out there who know why we believe what we believe, who can defend the Truth tooth and nail over the lies that society feeds us. There are some of us who, though we continually mess up, cling to forgivness and grace and long to live like Christ, ever-changing, ever-loving more. There are some of us who don't want to argue over facts but who would LOVE to sit down and have a loving, patient conversation with someone struggling about why we have NO doubt that our faith is grounded in the one and only Truth that exists to guide our world.
When I was in college, I became passionate about learning why I believe what I believe. I do not believe what I believe because someone told me to do it. I don't do it to make myself feel better or to improve my view of the world. In fact, how could comparing myself with a holy God possibly make me feel good? When I see my own sinfulness in comparison with His holiness, I certainly don't feel good about it. I feel humbled. I feel loved. I know with certainty that I don't deserve His grace. My faith is not a made-up paradigm of thought which I choose to operate from because of how it makes me feel. My faith is an active pursuit of the God of the universe because I have studied the facts. I have examined the evidence. I know that science supports Creation, not evolution. I know that evolution is in fact a scientic impossibility. I also know that in the darkest of struggles and the deepest of hurts, my God is there. I have not created a sentimental, gushy God who rushes to my every whim or with whom I can be angry every time something doesn't go my way. I long to understand more and more every day about who God really is. I long to study Scripture for what it really says, to understand the Hebrew and the Greek, to not take verses out of context to make them fit my personal agenda. I know that beyond any doubt, the Bible is the most well-documented book in all of history. I know that is has stood the test of time, that we have more original manuscripts of Scripture than we do for some of the very history books that everyone accepts as "fact" in our education system.
I write all of this to encourage believers and non-believers alike: study the facts of why you believe what you believe. It takes a lot more faith to believe in an evolutionary process that randomly put us on this earth than it takes to understand the Creator who lovingly made us and desires to know us. I will never cram my faith down someone's throat, but I will pray that your eyes will be open to truth. I will continually pray that God will give believers the desire to study apologetics, to choose to not be ignorant to the facts of our faith. In the same way, I'll pray for non-believers to not be ignorant to the same facts and to not get lost in fruitless arguments about why they believe Scripture is contradictory (it isn't, by the way. When you've studied the Greek and Hebrew, you'll understand that) or about how a good God could never do whatever it is they've struggled with. God is holy. He is set apart from us. Hell doesn't exist because God is mean; hell exists because our sinfulness cannot exist in the presence of His holiness. That's why He offers us forgiveness through the grace of His Son, Jesus.
My heart breaks over those walking away. I know that life isn't pretty, and I know that sometimes it's easy to feel forgotten. But I also know that God can handle my questions, and He can handle my fears. When I examine everything around me, there's no way that I could ever doubt my faith in Him. He's the only reason my heart continues to beat.
If you read this and have any questions as to what evidence I have for my faith, please ask me and I'll be more than happy to share. :)
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Heart Abandoned
A line in a favorite worship song of mine says, "And I'll stand with arms high and heart abandoned in awe of the One who gave it all." This week, God has been showing me a little bit about what it means to live with my heart abandoned to Him. Do I really trust Him to the extent that I fully surrender my heart-- all of my feelings, emotions, and fears--to His hands to hold? When circumstances tempt me to doubt His goodness, even His faithfulness, I find that if I only abandon my heart to Him, I can leave those fears and doubts behind. Abandonment. Easy to sing, but very hard to live.
Friday, May 6, 2011
Mother's Day
As I approach my second Mother's Day of being a mom, I find myself frequently contemplating the myriad of things that being a mom has taught me. Here are just a few of the simple ones that have really changed my perspective on life.
*Unconditional love looks a lot different than I previously thought. If I offer my son hugs, kisses, grace, and patience on a daily basis simply because I love him so dearly, that love should overflow to the other people in my life as well. God loves me with that love, and He commands that I love others with it, too. This has serious implications for my life as a believer, as a wife, as a daughter, as a friend, etc. I love Cale simply because he is Cale; how convicting that I don't do the same for others.
*Sometimes, I just have to get through one day at a time. God gives me the grace to do that. I cannot worry about what tomorrow will bring and whether it will be easier or harder than today.
* I need to enjoy the moments of every day- make the most of every opportunity. This doesn't only apply to motherhood, but all the other areas of life as well. Why get mad at someone in a store or restaurant? Why stay frustrated with my husband over something stupid? Life is absolutely full of opportunities to demonstrate that God is bigger than the small things that go wrong throughout the day.
*To quote a line from one of my favorite songs, "In the pain, there is healing. In Your Name, there is meaning." This one is HUGE. Being pregnant was miserable for me-- not to mention the C-Section, 4 day hospital stay, and subsequent infection that kept me in pain for weeks. And then of course, the nights without more than 2 hours of consecutive sleep until Cale was six months old. And the heart surgery that was necessitated by the pregnancy. Yet, none of those things matter to me anymore. That precious little boy who's sleeping in his crib right now, has been a tool to heal so many deep wounds that felt as if they'd be permanent in our hearts. As I've alluded to in previous blogs, there have been some dark days for us in the last several years. Cale has been an incredible reminder that our God is a penetrating Light. ("You, oh Lord, keep my lamp burning. My God turns my darkness into light."- Psalm 18:28).
*Cale doesn't actually belong to us. He belongs to the Lord. He has since before he was created, and our parenting must reflect that. Every decision we make should be based in God's Word, sought out in prayer, and communicated in love.
*It's ironic that when Cale whines to me over and over and over, clinging to my legs, crying "Mama" repeatedly, I get a little frazzled and impatient. It's ironic because I'm sure my Heavenly Father would be delighted if I clung to Him more closely and cried out for His help more frequently.
*Laughter and flexibility go a long way, and I didn't know half of what I thought I knew about being Mommy. :)
*Unconditional love looks a lot different than I previously thought. If I offer my son hugs, kisses, grace, and patience on a daily basis simply because I love him so dearly, that love should overflow to the other people in my life as well. God loves me with that love, and He commands that I love others with it, too. This has serious implications for my life as a believer, as a wife, as a daughter, as a friend, etc. I love Cale simply because he is Cale; how convicting that I don't do the same for others.
*Sometimes, I just have to get through one day at a time. God gives me the grace to do that. I cannot worry about what tomorrow will bring and whether it will be easier or harder than today.
* I need to enjoy the moments of every day- make the most of every opportunity. This doesn't only apply to motherhood, but all the other areas of life as well. Why get mad at someone in a store or restaurant? Why stay frustrated with my husband over something stupid? Life is absolutely full of opportunities to demonstrate that God is bigger than the small things that go wrong throughout the day.
*To quote a line from one of my favorite songs, "In the pain, there is healing. In Your Name, there is meaning." This one is HUGE. Being pregnant was miserable for me-- not to mention the C-Section, 4 day hospital stay, and subsequent infection that kept me in pain for weeks. And then of course, the nights without more than 2 hours of consecutive sleep until Cale was six months old. And the heart surgery that was necessitated by the pregnancy. Yet, none of those things matter to me anymore. That precious little boy who's sleeping in his crib right now, has been a tool to heal so many deep wounds that felt as if they'd be permanent in our hearts. As I've alluded to in previous blogs, there have been some dark days for us in the last several years. Cale has been an incredible reminder that our God is a penetrating Light. ("You, oh Lord, keep my lamp burning. My God turns my darkness into light."- Psalm 18:28).
*Cale doesn't actually belong to us. He belongs to the Lord. He has since before he was created, and our parenting must reflect that. Every decision we make should be based in God's Word, sought out in prayer, and communicated in love.
*It's ironic that when Cale whines to me over and over and over, clinging to my legs, crying "Mama" repeatedly, I get a little frazzled and impatient. It's ironic because I'm sure my Heavenly Father would be delighted if I clung to Him more closely and cried out for His help more frequently.
*Laughter and flexibility go a long way, and I didn't know half of what I thought I knew about being Mommy. :)
Friday, April 1, 2011
Made Whole
Today, Jason and I were blessed to spend the afternoon at Riverbanks Zoo here in Columbia with Cale. We bought a season pass last month, so we're making the most of it and going as often as possible! Since Cale has been a couple of times in the last month, instead of looking at animals today, he mostly wanted to run everywhere-- really fast-- not at all concerned with who or what was around him. We spent the afternoon chasing him around the zoo, laughing at his priceless giggle, and just enjoying being a family. He did pause long enough to laugh at the gorilla eating plants, to wrinkle up his nose and make ugly faces at the stinky elephants, and to study a crowned crane very seriously for a minute or two. Cale brings us so much joy; he's definitely living proof of God's graciousness to us (hence his middle name Jackson, meaning "God is gracious").
The last week has been full of interesting moments: the ones that cause me to really stop and ponder the deeper things of life, the ones that make me so keenly aware of God's hand at work. These moments have mostly been unpleasant ones, and yet they have not been void of God's grace. Tonight, as I drove home from running an errand, it occurred to me just how differently I view life today than I did a year ago. Without going into any extravagant details, it suffices to say that a year ago, I was pretty devastated over several of our life circumstances. Jason and I were disheartened about some things that had been part of our journey, and while he was handling things quite well emotionally given those circumstances, I was falling apart. I was on the verge of a complete break down, and I had no idea how to find the way out. I cried out to God daily, but I was so completely entrenched in darkness that I just couldn't find my foothold. I remember crying all of the time and telling Jason that I didn't know if I could ever be "whole" again. My faith in God hadn't changed, but I was so deeply wounded that I just couldn't imagine what healing would feel like.
Now, most of you who know me know that I'm quite independent and don't really enjoy listening to advice. Thankfully, Jason (as those of you who know him know) is even more stubborn than I am! Ha. God used Jason's insistence to push me into counseling with an awesome biblical counselor who began to help me find my footing again. I didn't meet with her for too long, but it was the beginning of the healing process.
To shorten a long story, tonight I realized that I am definitely whole again. I am wholly Lauren, daughter of God, wife of Jason, mommy of Cale. The most amazing part of the journey over the last year is that NONE of our circumstances have changed! All of the things that I thought I needed to happen in order for me to be okay again-- none of them have happened. Yet, God has diligently worked on me, day after day. He has patiently loved on me and taught me what it really means to follow! I don't feel the need to figure out "who I am" anymore; I don't have the desire to know what His long-term plan for my life is. I'm simply content. I'm delighting in his love, I'm delighting in my husband, and in my little boy.
Honestly, I couldn't have imagined being so content. He's completely changed everything-- all without changing a thing. So, I can rest in the peace of knowing that He is continually sovereign and loving, and I can without any doubt know that I BELIEVE that circumstances do not dictate who my God is. Whew. Took me a while to get here.. and I know that next week, even tomorrow, may bring circumstances that again challenge me and set me back, but I know that He will keep loving me and keep pursuing me with whispers of beckoning.
The last week has been full of interesting moments: the ones that cause me to really stop and ponder the deeper things of life, the ones that make me so keenly aware of God's hand at work. These moments have mostly been unpleasant ones, and yet they have not been void of God's grace. Tonight, as I drove home from running an errand, it occurred to me just how differently I view life today than I did a year ago. Without going into any extravagant details, it suffices to say that a year ago, I was pretty devastated over several of our life circumstances. Jason and I were disheartened about some things that had been part of our journey, and while he was handling things quite well emotionally given those circumstances, I was falling apart. I was on the verge of a complete break down, and I had no idea how to find the way out. I cried out to God daily, but I was so completely entrenched in darkness that I just couldn't find my foothold. I remember crying all of the time and telling Jason that I didn't know if I could ever be "whole" again. My faith in God hadn't changed, but I was so deeply wounded that I just couldn't imagine what healing would feel like.
Now, most of you who know me know that I'm quite independent and don't really enjoy listening to advice. Thankfully, Jason (as those of you who know him know) is even more stubborn than I am! Ha. God used Jason's insistence to push me into counseling with an awesome biblical counselor who began to help me find my footing again. I didn't meet with her for too long, but it was the beginning of the healing process.
To shorten a long story, tonight I realized that I am definitely whole again. I am wholly Lauren, daughter of God, wife of Jason, mommy of Cale. The most amazing part of the journey over the last year is that NONE of our circumstances have changed! All of the things that I thought I needed to happen in order for me to be okay again-- none of them have happened. Yet, God has diligently worked on me, day after day. He has patiently loved on me and taught me what it really means to follow! I don't feel the need to figure out "who I am" anymore; I don't have the desire to know what His long-term plan for my life is. I'm simply content. I'm delighting in his love, I'm delighting in my husband, and in my little boy.
Honestly, I couldn't have imagined being so content. He's completely changed everything-- all without changing a thing. So, I can rest in the peace of knowing that He is continually sovereign and loving, and I can without any doubt know that I BELIEVE that circumstances do not dictate who my God is. Whew. Took me a while to get here.. and I know that next week, even tomorrow, may bring circumstances that again challenge me and set me back, but I know that He will keep loving me and keep pursuing me with whispers of beckoning.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Identity
For the majority of my life, I've held onto the belief that finding my identity was important. Throughout the years of growth, I found my identity in various things: excelling in school, making good "moral" choices, even being a believer in Christ. I found my identity in my home, my family, my job, my role in the church, and even in using my gifts.
On the surface, there doesn't appear to be anything wrong with finding one's identity, as long as you ultimately learn to find it in the right place, right? We're taught from an early age that since God created us uniquely as individuals, we should strive to figure out all of those details about ourselves in order to use them for His glory. Sadly, what I've found is that it's so easy to figure those things out about ourselves and then assume that those things are actually for our own glory. I don't even mean in blatant ways; I can honestly say that most of the time I "feel" like I'm using God's gifts for His glory and kingdom. The reality, however, is that when one of those things is taken from me, I find out who I was really worried about: me.
I could list several examples of how this has happened at different times in my life, but the latest has been so real that I can't pass up the opportunity to be transparent and share it. Being transparent doesn't come easily for me, so bear with me.
I've been incredibly blessed to serve in ministry positions since the age of 16. I graduated from high school at 16 and immediately took a job with the South Carolina Baptist Convention as a summer missionary. I began college at North Greenville University that fall and worked in the Campus Ministry office-- just as a work study assistant for the year. Then, I joined Concord Baptist in Anderson, SC that summer as a Youth and Children's intern. I stayed on through the fall while they hired a new youth minister, and I joined them again the next summer as an intern again. By the time I finished my degree at NGU, Jason and I were married and serving together in a church in Greenville, SC.
While the "ministry position" was no longer mine by title after Jason and I got married, I still served by his side. I attended every event, helped him in planning, spent time with girls at our house, hosted events, attended women's Bible studies, etc. My life was absolutely full of ministry. We moved to Tryon, NC and began serving in a church in Hendersonville, NC a couple of years later. During our time there, I taught at the church's school and continued to passionately serve by Jason's side. I absolutely LOVED doing ministry- not because it's easy or even fun all the time, but because it's such a blessing to see God's hands at work every single day, in spite of the numerous difficulties.
In October of 2009, God moved us to Lexington, SC to serve at Lake Murray. Jason's first Sunday was actually November 1st, and we jumped right in! I tried to spend time getting to know students and adults, but I was 8 months pregnant, and socializing wasn't the easiest thing in the world. I went into pre-term labor 3 times before actually having Cale on December 1st of that year. My social life and my extra involvement in the church and "ministry" pretty much ceased to exist as I adjusted to motherhood.
Now, nearly 16 months later, I'm finding my way back into "ministry." Cale's a little older now, and it's easier to spend time teaching Bible studies, attending Bible studies, and just being involved in activities in general. These 16 months have been a tremendous struggle for me, though, and for all of the wrong reasons. God has really shown me just how much I care about people's perception of me. By coming into a new church and having a baby 4 weeks later, most of the people there didn't get to know me at all. It's easy for me to be "the youth minister's wife who nobody ever sees." Between my own sickness and Cale's numerous ear infections over the last year, there have been times that a few weeks could go by without me being able to attend church. While I was still worshipping in my day to day life, downloading our pastor's sermons and others online, and spending time in God's Word, I became really discouraged because I worried about what people thought about me for not being at church.
As I find my way back into an easier schedule, God continually reminds me that I need to check my motives and my heart. Am I worried about what people think? Sometimes, I still am. Yet, God is showing me that in the things that matter for eternity, it's not what any other person thinks or feels about me. It's about completely losing myself for the sake of His kingdom. For so long, I found my identity in doing ministry. I've known since the age of 15 that it is my calling, but that doesn't make it my identity. I've come to believe that as we mature in Christ, He takes us from the point of feeling insecure and having low self-esteem, to the point of having confidence in who He created us to be, to the point of finally grasping the fact that it doesn't even matter "who I am." It's all about Him! When I finally get to the point that every breath and every decision is about what He wants for me and not about what I want for me, then maybe I'll quit trying to find my identity in the things of the world-- or even the things that appear to be of Him and are actually still all about how they make me feel.
I want to be only who He wants me to be. I'm not there; I'm so far from it. But that's who I want to be. I want to love and serve and pour myself out, and not even stop to think about the fact that I'm doing it. He is so worthy of that.
"On Fire"
They tell you where you need to go
They tell you when you'll need to leave
They tell you what you need to know
They tell you who you need to be
But everything inside you knows
There's more than what you've heard
There's so much more than empty conversations
Filled with empty words
And you're on fire
When He's near you
You're on fire
When He speaks
You're on fire
Burning at these mysteries
Give me one more time around
Give me one more chance to see
Give me everything You are
Give me one more chance to be... (near You)
Cause everything inside me looks like
Everything I hate
You are the hope I have for change
You are the only chance I'll take
When I'm on fire
When You're near me
I'm on fire
When You speak
And I'm on fire
Burning at these mysteries
These mysteries...
I'm standing on the edge of me [x3]
I'm standing on the edge of everything I've never been before.
And I've been standing on the edge of me
Standing on the edge
And I'm on fire
When You're near me
I'm on fire
When You speak
(Yea) I'm on fire
Burning at these mysteries... these mysteries... these mysteries
Ah you're the mystery
You're the mystery.
On the surface, there doesn't appear to be anything wrong with finding one's identity, as long as you ultimately learn to find it in the right place, right? We're taught from an early age that since God created us uniquely as individuals, we should strive to figure out all of those details about ourselves in order to use them for His glory. Sadly, what I've found is that it's so easy to figure those things out about ourselves and then assume that those things are actually for our own glory. I don't even mean in blatant ways; I can honestly say that most of the time I "feel" like I'm using God's gifts for His glory and kingdom. The reality, however, is that when one of those things is taken from me, I find out who I was really worried about: me.
I could list several examples of how this has happened at different times in my life, but the latest has been so real that I can't pass up the opportunity to be transparent and share it. Being transparent doesn't come easily for me, so bear with me.
I've been incredibly blessed to serve in ministry positions since the age of 16. I graduated from high school at 16 and immediately took a job with the South Carolina Baptist Convention as a summer missionary. I began college at North Greenville University that fall and worked in the Campus Ministry office-- just as a work study assistant for the year. Then, I joined Concord Baptist in Anderson, SC that summer as a Youth and Children's intern. I stayed on through the fall while they hired a new youth minister, and I joined them again the next summer as an intern again. By the time I finished my degree at NGU, Jason and I were married and serving together in a church in Greenville, SC.
While the "ministry position" was no longer mine by title after Jason and I got married, I still served by his side. I attended every event, helped him in planning, spent time with girls at our house, hosted events, attended women's Bible studies, etc. My life was absolutely full of ministry. We moved to Tryon, NC and began serving in a church in Hendersonville, NC a couple of years later. During our time there, I taught at the church's school and continued to passionately serve by Jason's side. I absolutely LOVED doing ministry- not because it's easy or even fun all the time, but because it's such a blessing to see God's hands at work every single day, in spite of the numerous difficulties.
In October of 2009, God moved us to Lexington, SC to serve at Lake Murray. Jason's first Sunday was actually November 1st, and we jumped right in! I tried to spend time getting to know students and adults, but I was 8 months pregnant, and socializing wasn't the easiest thing in the world. I went into pre-term labor 3 times before actually having Cale on December 1st of that year. My social life and my extra involvement in the church and "ministry" pretty much ceased to exist as I adjusted to motherhood.
Now, nearly 16 months later, I'm finding my way back into "ministry." Cale's a little older now, and it's easier to spend time teaching Bible studies, attending Bible studies, and just being involved in activities in general. These 16 months have been a tremendous struggle for me, though, and for all of the wrong reasons. God has really shown me just how much I care about people's perception of me. By coming into a new church and having a baby 4 weeks later, most of the people there didn't get to know me at all. It's easy for me to be "the youth minister's wife who nobody ever sees." Between my own sickness and Cale's numerous ear infections over the last year, there have been times that a few weeks could go by without me being able to attend church. While I was still worshipping in my day to day life, downloading our pastor's sermons and others online, and spending time in God's Word, I became really discouraged because I worried about what people thought about me for not being at church.
As I find my way back into an easier schedule, God continually reminds me that I need to check my motives and my heart. Am I worried about what people think? Sometimes, I still am. Yet, God is showing me that in the things that matter for eternity, it's not what any other person thinks or feels about me. It's about completely losing myself for the sake of His kingdom. For so long, I found my identity in doing ministry. I've known since the age of 15 that it is my calling, but that doesn't make it my identity. I've come to believe that as we mature in Christ, He takes us from the point of feeling insecure and having low self-esteem, to the point of having confidence in who He created us to be, to the point of finally grasping the fact that it doesn't even matter "who I am." It's all about Him! When I finally get to the point that every breath and every decision is about what He wants for me and not about what I want for me, then maybe I'll quit trying to find my identity in the things of the world-- or even the things that appear to be of Him and are actually still all about how they make me feel.
I want to be only who He wants me to be. I'm not there; I'm so far from it. But that's who I want to be. I want to love and serve and pour myself out, and not even stop to think about the fact that I'm doing it. He is so worthy of that.
"On Fire"
They tell you where you need to go
They tell you when you'll need to leave
They tell you what you need to know
They tell you who you need to be
But everything inside you knows
There's more than what you've heard
There's so much more than empty conversations
Filled with empty words
And you're on fire
When He's near you
You're on fire
When He speaks
You're on fire
Burning at these mysteries
Give me one more time around
Give me one more chance to see
Give me everything You are
Give me one more chance to be... (near You)
Cause everything inside me looks like
Everything I hate
You are the hope I have for change
You are the only chance I'll take
When I'm on fire
When You're near me
I'm on fire
When You speak
And I'm on fire
Burning at these mysteries
These mysteries...
I'm standing on the edge of me [x3]
I'm standing on the edge of everything I've never been before.
And I've been standing on the edge of me
Standing on the edge
And I'm on fire
When You're near me
I'm on fire
When You speak
(Yea) I'm on fire
Burning at these mysteries... these mysteries... these mysteries
Ah you're the mystery
You're the mystery.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Flying Time
Throughout the last couple of months, I've spent moments on a daily basis simply sitting in awe of how quickly time is passing. Cale amazes me each day with his ability to walk, climb, talk, and discover the world around him. He continually teaches himself how to do new things; some of those things are beneficial, and some of them are dangerous. I feel as though I spend my days constantly watching him to protect him from danger, but also trying to allow him the space to explore and grow and learn for himself.
As many have said before me, I certainly have a greater understanding of my Father's love due to this little blessing of a wild man who walks (and bounds!) around our home each day. It's not just love of which I have a deeper understanding, however. Everything in life is different now. I don't mean the fact that our social life has drastically changed or that taking a long drive is no longer as appealing or any of the other myriad of ways that our physical life has changed. God has simply literally changed my perspective on who He created us to be.
Every moment of our lives is planned with purpose. And guess what? That purpose is not all about us! I love the book of Jeremiah, and I often find myself identifying with his story and with his struggles. Yet, I am often frustrated by the misuse of Jeremiah 29:11. To understand Scripture, we must always (ALWAYS) read it in context. Throughout the book of Jeremiah, we see the familiar story of the Israelites and their disobedience to the Lord. God longs for them to turn back to Him, but year after year and generation after generation, they refuse. So, through Jeremiah, God communicates to them some of the disasters that are coming. He uses those disasters to turn their hearts back to Him.
Chapter 29 describes how God will bring them back from captivity because HE knows the plans He has for them, and those plans are for good! Yet, He still allowed them to be taken captive! We cannot miss that critical point. God allows us to suffer, to hurt, to be challenged so that we can understand His great love for us and His desire to see us grow.
Sure, the following message wouldn't be as appealing (on say, a graduation frame): " 'I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you.' But I'll still let you be taken captive first so that you'll understand who I really am and who I really desire for you to be!" Can you imagine receiving that on a coffee mug? It's not such a pleasant notion, and yet it is absolutely truth. Does that make God mean? Absolutely not. It's simply a more complete picture of His love for us. He gives us freedom to make our own choices, to explore, to learn our way in the world. Yet, He is continually there offering guidance, wisdom, and protection. He's continually offering us the choice to lay down our desires and follow Him.
The cool thing about Cale is that he's still young enough to want to be with Mommy. If I walk into the next room and say, "Cale! Follow me!" he excitedly follows me wherever I go. That's not always going to be the case, I know, but I do pray that as he grows we will be able to instill in him the desire to follow the One who's really worth following. We read Scripture with Cale every night, and God uses that precious little boy to remind me that yes, this is all with purpose. The days aren't always easy or fun, but every moment counts for eternity. I can't let these moments slip by without making sure that I am being sensitive and obedient to the One who created them. I can't manipulate Scripture to make it all about me, and I can't be deceived by the world's ideals of comfort and mediocrity. God has abundantly more for me than comfort or mediocrity. He's offering Life. Not just breath in the morning and the ability to climb out of bed, but actual Life; He sustains me, He fills me with joy, He satisfies my every need. And so, as the days continue to fly by, I pray that I'll live in such a way that the moments really do matter- not for my glory or the furtherance of my materialism, but for His glory and the furtherance of His kingdom.
Blessed. We are so blessed.
As many have said before me, I certainly have a greater understanding of my Father's love due to this little blessing of a wild man who walks (and bounds!) around our home each day. It's not just love of which I have a deeper understanding, however. Everything in life is different now. I don't mean the fact that our social life has drastically changed or that taking a long drive is no longer as appealing or any of the other myriad of ways that our physical life has changed. God has simply literally changed my perspective on who He created us to be.
Every moment of our lives is planned with purpose. And guess what? That purpose is not all about us! I love the book of Jeremiah, and I often find myself identifying with his story and with his struggles. Yet, I am often frustrated by the misuse of Jeremiah 29:11. To understand Scripture, we must always (ALWAYS) read it in context. Throughout the book of Jeremiah, we see the familiar story of the Israelites and their disobedience to the Lord. God longs for them to turn back to Him, but year after year and generation after generation, they refuse. So, through Jeremiah, God communicates to them some of the disasters that are coming. He uses those disasters to turn their hearts back to Him.
Chapter 29 describes how God will bring them back from captivity because HE knows the plans He has for them, and those plans are for good! Yet, He still allowed them to be taken captive! We cannot miss that critical point. God allows us to suffer, to hurt, to be challenged so that we can understand His great love for us and His desire to see us grow.
Sure, the following message wouldn't be as appealing (on say, a graduation frame): " 'I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you.' But I'll still let you be taken captive first so that you'll understand who I really am and who I really desire for you to be!" Can you imagine receiving that on a coffee mug? It's not such a pleasant notion, and yet it is absolutely truth. Does that make God mean? Absolutely not. It's simply a more complete picture of His love for us. He gives us freedom to make our own choices, to explore, to learn our way in the world. Yet, He is continually there offering guidance, wisdom, and protection. He's continually offering us the choice to lay down our desires and follow Him.
The cool thing about Cale is that he's still young enough to want to be with Mommy. If I walk into the next room and say, "Cale! Follow me!" he excitedly follows me wherever I go. That's not always going to be the case, I know, but I do pray that as he grows we will be able to instill in him the desire to follow the One who's really worth following. We read Scripture with Cale every night, and God uses that precious little boy to remind me that yes, this is all with purpose. The days aren't always easy or fun, but every moment counts for eternity. I can't let these moments slip by without making sure that I am being sensitive and obedient to the One who created them. I can't manipulate Scripture to make it all about me, and I can't be deceived by the world's ideals of comfort and mediocrity. God has abundantly more for me than comfort or mediocrity. He's offering Life. Not just breath in the morning and the ability to climb out of bed, but actual Life; He sustains me, He fills me with joy, He satisfies my every need. And so, as the days continue to fly by, I pray that I'll live in such a way that the moments really do matter- not for my glory or the furtherance of my materialism, but for His glory and the furtherance of His kingdom.
Blessed. We are so blessed.
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