Last night, I went out to grab dinner and bring it home for Jason, Cale, and me. When I left, the weather was nice and I was simply on a mission to get dinner and get back home so that we could eat and begin the bath and bedtime routine with Cale for the night. My mind was racing with thoughts of what I had and had not accomplished that day, what I still needed to accomplish before bed, and what the coming weekend entailed. I'm ashamed to say that I was in no way striving to listen to God or hear His voice . I wasn't thinking about what I had been studying in my Bible or how to bring God glory through my day. No- I was much too occupied thinking about those things that affect me. Just me.
As I drove home, however, God simply grabbed my attention. I love it when He does that! I had turned the radio on but wasn't really listening to anything until an announcer came on to notify listeners of the severe thunderstorm warning for our county. As he did so, I looked in the direction of our house and noticed a few stray streaks of lightning. Suddenly, the sky fell open and the rain fell so heavily upon my windshield that I could barely see in front of my 4Runner. Normally, during times of intense rain such as that, I sit up straighter, squint to try to see the road, and just in general become a little stressed about the road not being visible. (I think this has something to do with our accident four years ago. Strange how one accident can permanently alter your view of safety in an automobile).
Last night, though, as the rain began to fall, I didn't feel any of the normal stress arise. Instead, I felt an overwhelming peace. The station's music resumed, and a song called "You Can Have Me" began to play. I've heard this song numerous times, and to be honest, my general distaste for "Christian pop" frequently keeps me from enjoying songs or gathering any real truth from them. (That's a note for another day, but I HATE shallow music that conveys certain thoughts to be truth that couldn't be further from the Truth.) For some reason, though, as the song began to play, I actually began to listen to the lyrics.
The song begins with "If I saw You on the street and You said 'Come and follow me' but I had to give up everything-- all I once held dear and all of my dreams-- would I love You enough or would my love run dry when You asked for my life?" I immediately began to think back to that night when I was 15 years-old, sitting in the sanctuary of a strange church listening to Adrian Despres preach a message about a blank contract with God. Those who know me well have probably heard me share my testimony about that night and what it began in my life. For those who haven't heard the story, the succint version is that Adrian spoke of an imaginary contract that exists between God and ourselves. Our natural inclination is to desire to fill out the contract with all of the things that we long for in life and expect God to sign it, agreeing to give us all of the things for which we ask. A more accurate picture of what God desires, however, is for US to sign the contract-- a blank one, in fact-- and allow Him to fill in those blanks as He desires. That means giving complete control to Him for all of life's circumstances.
As a 15 year-old, I clearly heard God speak and ask me to surrender my life choices to Him. At the time, I didn't know what that may or may not inclue, but I knew that I could trust Him. Along the way, however, I've become a little distracted, and I freely admit to wanting things for my life that God hasn't chosen. If I had the choice, I would have also left some things out that He chose to include. Sadly, I frequently find myself lamenting over some of the details that He has chosen for me-- perhaps not outwardly, but very much inwardly.
The last year has stretched me beyond my imagination. I've struggled with the myriads of adjustments I've had to make as we both resigned our jobs in NC and prepared to move to SC. As Jason began a new job, I had to get accustomed to staying at home (a wonderful blessing, but a challenge to get used to after working!), and find new doctors for my array of medical needs. The most pressing at the time was the fact that I was 8 months pregnant and needed to immediately find a new OB. Since my pregnancy was considered to be high-risk, it complicated the process a bit. At the time, we had moved in with Jason's parents due to our home in NC still being on the market (as it still is). So, I dealt with a lot of change in a little amount of time. I struggled greatly with missing friends and not having the opportunities to build new friendships as I adjusted to motherhood. I grieved the loss of having our own home and especially not having a "nursery" for Cale. Add to the plate a diagnosis of another autoimmune disease and the realization that I needed to have heart surgery, and I was left reeling. I really wanted to ask God what He was thinking. I really began to doubt my decision to say, "It's all up to You. Whatever You want for me, I freely accept."
All of that to say, even though I certainly haven't turned my back on God, if I'm honest with myself, I have to understand that I have doubted that He always does what's best. I know in the depths of my heart that He DOES always choose what is best, but there are many days that I battle feelings of betrayl over the things that hurt me.
So, back to the song. As I listened to the lyrics, I became conscious of the fact that even now, God still wants me to give those choices to Him-- to quit fighting and arguing and complaining about the parts of the story that I don't enjoy. He has a purpose for me, but greater than that, He has a purpose for His kingdom. I must get over "me" and refuse to get over Him. He has blessed me beyond measure. I have such an amazing husband who loves the Lord passionately and loves me with patience and grace beyond measure. I have a beautiful son who literally brings delight to all of my days. That's who I was driving home to through that terrible rain. A family that is mine because God loves me so much and has freely given to me what I do not deserve.
Who am I to question the goodness of God? What a wake-up call-- all in the silence that consumed me in the midst of the deafening storm. "When did love become unmoving? When did love become unconsuming? Forgetting what the world has told me; Father of love, You can have me. You can have me."
